Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I arch my eyebrows like an archer—Robin Hood. My facial expressions can feed the poor.

Jarod Kintz

May you fall on a fork and get eaten by a cannibal.

Jarod Kintz

Ignoring plus ignorance equals ignoringance—knowing a problem exists, but doing nothing to fix it.

Jarod Kintz

I always never leave things for the last minute. I leave them for 59 seconds.

Jarod Kintz

The mobster came by my establishment and said I needed protection. “Nope,” I replied, “I’ve already got protection.” Then I showed him how I wear a rubber glove over my penis, with my shaft sliding perfectly in the pinky finger slot.

Jarod Kintz

Inappropriate interview question #13: Can I call you Kitten Tits?

Jarod Kintz

I fish for rain, but I only ever seem to catch snow.

Jarod Kintz

Don’t do something today you’ll regret for the next 10,000 tomorrows. No, you should have done that yesterday.

Jarod Kintz

I don’t like rejection. One jection is enough for me. No need to give it to me again.

Jarod Kintz

When my ex girlfriend left, I was crushed. Why’d she have to drive off in a steamroller?

Jarod Kintz

Things just didn’t work out between us. Who knows, another time, another place, maybe things still wouldn’t have worked out.

Jarod Kintz

I held her, but that wasn’t enough to hold us together. That’s where the glue came in.

Jarod Kintz

The men responsible for this depression are irresponsible, and therefore only irresponsible people are responsible enough to get us out and reverse course.

Jarod Kintz

I was only 20% right, while she was 80% right. Still, I was right that she was wrong—20% wrong.

Jarod Kintz

I’m running late. But that’s OK, because I’m wearing Nikes.

Jarod Kintz

In the long run, a treadmill’s a great investment.

Jarod Kintz

I have a whisper like a zipper. Your secret is safe in my pants.

Jarod Kintz

The best salespeople are not salespeople, they’re people who’ve not only bought the product, but also bought into the idea of the company and the brand.

Jarod Kintz

Why spend ten dollars to buy one item from someone else, when I can sell you the same item for five dollars, steal it back, and then sell it to you again for five more dollars? Who would you rather buy from: some thief charging you ten bucks, or me, ...

Jarod Kintz

Science, where would scientists be without it? They’d probably still be in my basement, where I left them a few minutes ago.

Jarod Kintz

In bed, I could climb in, if you ever rest. Then I could mount you like Everest.

Jarod Kintz