Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I am the alligator of love. But I’d make better boots than a lover.

Jarod Kintz

If we all had an additional twelve hours a day, think of how far mankind could advance in just a year! That’s exactly what I’d be thinking about while I was sleeping twenty hours a day.

Jarod Kintz

Novels are written word by word. If you can write a word, and then another word, you can write a novel—assuming your novel will be two words long. Here’s a two-word romance novel: I do. It’s also a murder mystery.

Jarod Kintz

I am the Sisters of Mercy. All three of them. Triplets.

Jarod Kintz

Gnome money is better than no money, but just by a few feet.

Jarod Kintz

Life is struggle. Poor people struggle to get money, and rich people struggle to keep their money.

Jarod Kintz

You may scoff and say I only make ten dollars an hour, but if at the end of an eight hour shift I made eighty dollars, and I only actually did ten minutes of real work in that eight-hour span of time, then I’d say I make 480 dollars an hour.

Jarod Kintz

Women won’t sleep with me for the same reason that I don’t pay for sex—I don’t have any money. And if I did have money, I wouldn’t pay for sex, because women would sleep with me for free.

Jarod Kintz

I used his severed hand as a murder weapon. I hope I didn’t get my fingerprints on his fingerprints.

Jarod Kintz

I may look like someone you know. I resemble an apple pie.

Jarod Kintz

I’m so lowbrow that I don’t want to grow a unibrow, but I do want to grow a unicycle on my forehead.

Jarod Kintz

Data doesn’t matter. Only opinions and stories formed from the data matters and gets shared and absorbed.

Jarod Kintz

Is it better to win over the hearts and minds of the people, or imprison them and torture them into telling you they love you? These are the tough decisions a future tyrant, I mean President, may have to make.

Jarod Kintz

Startled, she said, “Oh, I thought you were somebody else.” “No,” I said, “I’m not somebody else—but my clone is.

Jarod Kintz

When it seems like the sky is about to collapse, relax, that’s just the roof caving in.

Jarod Kintz

Success, if I simply gave it to you, you wouldn’t have the pleasure of taking it.

Jarod Kintz

Have an itch? Simple—rub poison ivy over the rest of your body, so that all the skin contributes its fair share to a unified, and more hopeful, future. That’s top-level political thinking right there.

Jarod Kintz

Politicians, it’s like they’re competing to be the most incompetent. Well, guess what? They’re all winners to me. And by winners I mean losers.

Jarod Kintz

A dirty diaper doesn’t double as a dishrag, and a politician doesn’t double as a savior.

Jarod Kintz

I’d rather make love to a robot than a politician, because it’d be more personable. Anyway, talking vacuum cleaners with flesh and suits freak me out.

Jarod Kintz

I’m not a carrot cake kind of guy. But so what? Don’t push your political agenda on me, pal.

Jarod Kintz