Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I’m hungry to win. I should enter a hotdog eating contest.

Jarod Kintz

As a person, I have to claim my persona as my own. If I don’t, my clone will do it for me.

Jarod Kintz

The people need to know that the people need to know. And I’m just the man to let them know that they need to know. However, what they need to know, I do not know.

Jarod Kintz

I’ll take away your disillusionment, and replace it with an illusion.

Jarod Kintz

I have an iron deficiency. You can tell by how wrinkled my clothes are.

Jarod Kintz

I’ll trade you one dollar for five dollars. What, is my money no good here?

Jarod Kintz

Politics is all about showing you have integrity—and hiding the fact that you really don’t have any.

Jarod Kintz

I’m so smart that I make everyone around me smarter. I do this by being dumber than everybody. 

Jarod Kintz

I can’t do my job, if you don’t do yours. I also can’t do my job, so can you do mine too?

Jarod Kintz

I worked for one day, and left with two days in my back pocket. I couldn’t stuff them in my crotch, because my erection took up all my pants and half the kitchen.

Jarod Kintz

Standing around making ten dollars an hour—that’s what they pay me the big bucks for.

Jarod Kintz

The truth is I did try to stab him. I tried to stab him with a butter knife. Why? Because it seemed deadlier than trying to stab him with a melting stick of butter.

Jarod Kintz

Murdering a mute to silence him is overkill.

Jarod Kintz

You don’t know her like I do, because you don’t know her like I don’t. It’s true, I don’t know her at all. What’s she like?

Jarod Kintz

I’d like to write gibberish in Latin, because if people aren’t going to be able to read it, they might as well not read it in a dead language.

Jarod Kintz

If you try a joke a second time and nobody laughs, don’t tell a different joke—tell different people.

Jarod Kintz

I didn’t hear what was said, but I laughed, because I was too embarrassed to embarrass him by breaking up his punch line and laughter by asking him to repeat it.

Jarod Kintz

I said I’d drive to her place. But she lives in her car, so I don’t see why she couldn’t just drive her place to my place.

Jarod Kintz

I’m a logician. No matter how wrong I am, I can always convince myself I am right.

Jarod Kintz

One plus love equals lonely.

Jarod Kintz

If I found money, I’d turn it in—for the reward. Unless the reward money was less than the value of the money I found, and obviously it would be, in which case I’d keep the money.

Jarod Kintz