Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Inviting the invading army over for dinner, buffet style, is a bad idea. Especially when I just took a bath in the last of your mac and cheese.

Jarod Kintz

Though my stomach is only the size of a pea, I could eat two politicians’ brains.

Jarod Kintz

I cried during my wedding, but my wife did not. That’s natural, because I was losing my freedom, and she was gaining a slave.

Jarod Kintz

A real patriot doesn’t unconditionally stick up for his government—he stands up for freedom.

Jarod Kintz

Hoping to get a head start on the next day, I eat breakfast the night before. That way I can sleep in until two in the afternoon.

Jarod Kintz

Life is made up of now, and the past and the future are nothing more than inedible garnishes.

Jarod Kintz

The past screams louder than the future. The future is mute, but it’s not deaf.

Jarod Kintz

One Jarod’s a lover, and one Jarod’s a fighter. Which Jarod am I? The middle one.

Jarod Kintz

I got you a birthday present. The box is the exact same size as a coffin.

Jarod Kintz

A great gift would be a map full of evacuation routes for the city, subtly telling the recipient to get the hell out of town.

Jarod Kintz

Write your goals down on a sheet of paper. That way you can easily flip the page over and ignore them.

Jarod Kintz

Man is somewhere in between God and animal. Jarod is somewhere in between Jar and Jason. (One of which I keep chained up in my freezer).

Jarod Kintz

The great thing about being a government is you can wage nonsensical wars, and people will line up to give their lives in exchange for small paychecks and being called patriots.


Jarod Kintz

Americans are self-reliant—on the government.

Jarod Kintz

A doctor can’t afford to take a sick day, because that’s most unprofessional. How does it look if a “healer” is unhealthy?

Jarod Kintz

Taxes and Texas—they have the same letters, but only one can go to hell.

Jarod Kintz

I’m asking you not to do it. Can you do that for me? Can you do not doing it?


Jarod Kintz

I came from a broken home. My bedroom window was cracked.

Jarod Kintz

I’m not a good liar, and that makes me a good liar, because liars are bad, and bad liars are good.

Jarod Kintz

The chimes were clinging in the wind. Or were they clanging, and clinging to hope?

Jarod Kintz

I place a higher value on human life than on no human life. But only barely.


Jarod Kintz