The big uncookable sections of who we are, they’re the ones I love to taste the most.
Even if I worked in the corruption capital of the world, Washington DC, I wouldn’t be a whistleblower. I’m more into flutes.
Am I going crazy, or am I the only one who can hear the silence?
I want to create a word that means “There’s probably a word for that,” but there’s probably a word for that.
A real criminal mastermind isn’t known as a criminal mastermind, because how good can you be if you’re a known criminal? No, a real criminal mastermind is known by another name: politician.
There’s always going to be a criminal element in the population. At least as long as people believe they need politicians.
I cried because I had no wallet, until I met a man who had no money. I don’t know why he had no money, because that man stole my wallet.
I dance for a living. At the early bird special you can find me—doing the worm.
For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, just like you’ll soon be.
I have no auditory depth perception. She said, “I love you,” and I couldn’t even tell if she was 300 miles away, or 6 feet below my feet and 300 years away.
The girl I used to love is no longer a girl, and this saddens me more than our separation. It puts my own mortality vividly on display, in contrast to my eternally youthful memories.
I saw the corpse, and I called the cops. But not before I called a 1-800 phone sex number with the dead guy’s phone and credit card.
The best way to dig yourself out of a hole, is with a dead guy’s fingernails. Then, once you’re out of the hole, finish burying that dead guy before the cops arrive.
My advice is to just ignore the problem until you’re dead. This could be the quickest solution of your life.
Dead men’s fingernails make lovely shallow-grave shovels.
If you want to find dirt on me, wait until after I’m dead and buried.
I spent about eight hours deep in thought over whether to get divorced. That may seem like a long time to ponder something, but I multitasked and slept at the same time. I woke up with an erection, and a decision.
Life is made up of only one thing: the now. The past and the future could be considered dreams, if only they were as real. At least a dream is in the now.
In a dream, in her head means in my head, as I have unrestricted access to her thoughts and the innermost parts of her body.
A traditional doctor gets paid to push pills, vaccinate, radiate, and basically exterminate people. No different than a contract killer—except the hit man is more honest, as he doesn’t claim to be helping humanity. Holistic medicine is the only w...
The thing that has impacted life on earth the most is life on mars. That’s where the government is storing all my clones.
