The problem with ebooks is you can’t get booger smears on the pages.
I can read people like an open book, especially if their named Braille, and I’m in a touchy-feely mood.
The conversation was one-sided. She was doing all the talking, and every time I opened my mouth it wasn’t to reply—it was to yawn.
Around here there’s not much to do, I’m afraid. Actually, I’m lying. That’s not one of my fears.
Wisdom is knowledge plus courage. You not only have to know what to do and when—but you have to be brave enough to actually act on it.
Like ice, this economy is more fluid than ever. Thanks, Washington, DC!
The phrase “The cat’s out of the bag” tells that a secret’s been exposed to the world. But who put the secret, or cat, in the bag in the first place? I thought only kidnap victims were supposed to be kept in bags.
The ability to lick their own asses, does this make cats their own bosses?
This is a cat’s world, and man’s just allowed to share in it.
If I knew everything, life would be lonely, as everyone else would want to explore the world, and I’d be content with a cat on my lap sitting in the dark.
Every time I see my cat licking its asshole I think about my ex wife. But that’s how nostalgia works, right? We only remember the best of the available memories.
There’s a 95% chance I’ll miss out on 5%.
The Chinese used gunpowder to make fireworks for celebrations, and the white man came along and said, Holy shit, we can use this to kill people. What better way to celebrate than that?
Not only am I not my dad’s favorite child—I’m his only child.
To choose to chew, rather than converse with my fellow dinner guests, was the choice I made when I chose the chewiest item on the menu. I wasn’t being rude. In fact, I was being polite. By ignoring them, I fulfilled and followed the aphorism: “It...
When my coffee is gone, so is my motivation.
Flower coffee—less caffeinated, more romantic. I wanted to be with her, but when I was, I felt like I’d rather wither.
I’d rather go into a competition as the underdog. Less pressure to perform, and more motivation.
I feel like having another thigh and calf would give me a leg up on my competition.
We’re distant cousins. He’s my first cousin, but he’s 5,000 miles away. And he doesn’t talk much.
The topic of weather isn’t small talk, when you’re conversing with a meteorologist.
