Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those of an old man. Still, the taste of a nipple is genderless.

Jarod Kintz

Surviving cancer is cool, but surviving old age is cooler.

Jarod Kintz

I saw an old guy sleeping, and I thought he was dead. But I kept checking his pockets for money, because it seemed like the right thing to do.

Jarod Kintz

Most people live life backwards. They party and kill time in their youth, when they’re strong and have the energy to accomplish great things. And then they’re older, they try to get things done, but they have less energy and enthusiasm by that ti...

Jarod Kintz

If I were an alcoholic, I’d work at a wine farm, where grape booze grows on trees, bottled and ready to chug.

Jarod Kintz

If you drink, you risk divulging your secrets. Here, have another glass.

Jarod Kintz

You drink wine by the glass, and I drink wine by the trashcan. Seriously, I’ll be by the trashcan if you need me.

Jarod Kintz

If everyone in America started mailing empty boxes, we could boost productivity, profitability, and employment. Think like a politician.

Jarod Kintz

The task may be simple for me, but if I make it look too easy, you won’t appreciate it as much as if I pretend to struggle to help you out. 


Jarod Kintz

Writing is the art of remembering and forgetting. You must forget what you’ve already written, because if you’re dwelling on your old material you can’t write new material, and you must remember all you’ve written and read, so you are not dup...

Jarod Kintz

It’s impossible for me to applaud your successes when my hands are too busy patting myself on the back. But if I clap for you, and you pat my back, we can both feel like winners.

Jarod Kintz

Mr. Pot drank ten pots of coffee, even though I only made eight. That’s a savings of 20%!


Jarod Kintz

A clone’s most valuable function would be as a gift giver, because who else but you knows exactly what you want? Only your clone. And besides being the perfect gift, it’d also be a surprise, because it’s not like you bought your own gift.

Jarod Kintz

If I hung out with Van Gogh, I don’t know what we’d do. We’d just play it by ear, I guess.

Jarod Kintz

Voting for the lesser of two evils is still voting for evil. Next time, why don’t you go all out and write in Lucifer on the ballot?

Jarod Kintz

I’ve got a pocket full of cash, and a condom full of erection.

Jarod Kintz

I’d never name my kid Mark, for fear he’d be a target—a mark.

Jarod Kintz

If given the choice, I’d take five ones over a five-dollar bill, because women prefer men with lots of money.

Jarod Kintz

I stitched an itch to my side. As far as surgeries go, I’m just barely scratching the surface.

Jarod Kintz

A karate black belt would make a great blindfold on a kidnap victim, after you karate chop them into submission.

Jarod Kintz

She asked if I found what she was telling me very exciting, and I managed to yelp out “very” while yawning.

Jarod Kintz