Poor people are the salt of the earth. They should be sprinkled on icy roads, along with pretzels.
I can’t afford to be dishonest. I also can’t afford to be poor.
What’s the difference between praying and crying? One you’re talking to God, and the other you’re talking to God but you don’t know it.
You can’t rain on my parade. It’s an umbrella parade.
My TV’s broken. It’s step one in my goal to read more.
I read about sneezing and immediately sneezed. I must be allergic to reading.
Reading isn’t quite loud, but it’s quiet and loud—quiet on the outside, loud on the inside. Sort of like a mime orgy.
If your TV is broken, don’t get a new one—get a new hobby: reading.
I asked her on a date for Friday at 8:00. She said, “Some other time, maybe.” So I said, “How about 8:01?
Wrap your hand in toilet paper before you meet someone. It’ll change how much people respect you.
Remember this: Everybody is less fortunate than you, in some way or another. If you are poor in wealth, be rich in spirit.
If trees had feathers instead of leaves, then they wouldn’t fly, they wouldn’t run, and they’d be my favorite thing to hunt.
I got ran over by a marathon runner. It was a hit and run.
Why aren’t any cars shaped like vaginas? More people would probably wear them on their feet while they run.
He was dashing. He wasn’t handsome—he was running.
Running, it runs in my family. Wheelchairs also run in my family. Is it possible to race in a marathon while sitting down?
Don’t drink my tears. They will only make you thirsty. And sad.
I sell yawns. So when you see me yawning, and you then yawn, just know that’s me giving you a free sample of my product.
If I tell you I want to be a door-to-door door salesman, don’t knock it.
I’m an invisibility salesman, and it’s like I always say, “What you see is what you get.” Of course, I say it silently, so people probably don’t hear me.
I hate cold-calling. I like my phone calls warm, like meatloaf.