Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I spilled semen everywhere. No wonder the world is overpopulated. 

Jarod Kintz

Persistence is the key to life. You never know, just around the corner could be another right angle. 

Jarod Kintz

My photograph represents me as a person, but not as a personality. My personality is best represented by a Rorschach test.

Jarod Kintz

I should get 365 different t-shirts made up, each a slightly different color than the last, forming a gradient from green to blue. Then I should take a daily picture, and move down the color line accordingly, so that I can subtly age like a chameleon...

Jarod Kintz

All the planning for the first ever Sleepwalking Parade has made me tired. I think I’ll go for a walk.

Jarod Kintz

I’m picketing pickpockets, because I hate politicians. 

Jarod Kintz

There aren’t two political parties in this country, it’s all just one big party—and the citizens aren’t invited.

Jarod Kintz

His breath smelled like defeat. And dick—mine, which incidentally smelled like his asshole. Ah, but that’s just politics. 

Jarod Kintz

I’m not the pervert you think I am. No, I’m an entirely different pervert. Keep cardboard tubes away from me. (I should be a politician.) 

Jarod Kintz

How did my semen get on his anus? Simple—the lipstick. But that’s politics, no? 

Jarod Kintz

Politics is the art of doing nothing and ruining everything.

Jarod Kintz

I bought it and threw it away. Why? Because I paid for it. The only thing better would be if taxpayers purchased it. I should be a politician.

Jarod Kintz

A politician is a person who trades promises for power, and then trades the people’s trust for personal gain.

Jarod Kintz

How many 17s can you fit in your anus? Next time, try 18.  Then try running for political office.

Jarod Kintz

Only a retard tries to cut something with the handle of a pair of scissors. Well, only a retard or a politician, but the two are synonymous. 

Jarod Kintz

I wrote a book on sex. It’s got a hole in it so you can literally fornicate with it. I’ve only sold one copy, but I’ve heard that the buyer shared the book with all his fellow congressmen. 

Jarod Kintz

I stepped in dick. Well, just a puddle of penis. Then I wiped it off my feet and voted it into political office.

Jarod Kintz

Everything is offensive, to somebody. I mean, you could say Congress and I’d be in a rage.

Jarod Kintz

A politician’s autobiography is a book that’s nothing more than a collection of paper, like toilet paper, only it’s stacked instead of rolled.  

Jarod Kintz

It’s only a problem until you ignore it. Come on, that’s Politics 101.

Jarod Kintz

The difference between a politician and a helmet full of feces, is the politician doesn’t need to wear protective headgear, because he’s got no intelligence to protect. 

Jarod Kintz