My fake mullet wig turns women on. Probably.
It’s not entirely true that I lusted after a married woman. I also lusted before her.
It’s so quiet without my wife, which is odd because all I could ever hear was the silence of her ignoring me.
I popped the question, and to my surprise she said yes! If I’d have known she’d say yes I’d have asked a different question, like, Will you marry me?
No sex in marriage. Yes to laundry though. That’s the only time I get her clothes on the floor.
Man marries, then immediately dies, though it’s often decades before his funeral.
A wedding and a funeral. One event.
My first marriage was an arranged marriage. I arranged it myself.
We went out to a romantic dinner, and do you know how you can just tell when it’s the perfect moment to propose? Well, it wasn’t one of those moments—at least not with her. I ended up asking my waitress to marry me.
I said I do. Not to getting married, but to don’t.
I believe in a traditional wedding, with one guy, one girl, and one dad with a shotgun.
During the murder investigation, the cop said, I only have one question for you. Before she could ask it, I replied, Yes, I will marry you.
Nobody showed up to my wedding, even though I sent out 50 invitations. The problem was 49 of the people were dead when I sent them out, and the 50th person died shortly after I tracked him down.
I looked up from my paper and tried to remember her name. I was drawing a blank. That’s what happens when I doodle in invisible ink.
Would you mind if I used your kitchen sink to take a bath? I have the hygiene of a midget.
To find my mistakes, you’re going to need a shovel—and a missing person’s list.
A company with no advertising is like a car with no headlights—it runs smoothly during the day, when people are awake and shopping, and saves money at night, when people are asleep.
Orange juice so fresh it’s like a straw in an apple. Change for a twenty? Five fives, if you’ve got them.
I’m making top dollar now. I just wish I were making the bottom dollars too.
I’m 31 and she’s three decades younger. She’s like the mother I never had.
I can read in bed all night long. I can watch movies all night long. And I can have sex for literally minutes.
