Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I’m so hungry I could eat a mop. I mean map. I’m so lost when it comes to words.

Jarod Kintz

The robber pointed a gun at me and said, “If you don’t give me your wallet, I’m going to kill you. And you don’t want to die, do you?” To which I replied, “Well, eventually yes. Immortality would be dreadfully mundane.

Jarod Kintz

His twin brother died, and rather than assume he felt sad, I imagined he felt like an individual. Finally, he was one of one, not one of two.

Jarod Kintz

When I hear people say Rest In Peace, I get jealous, because I’m a restless sleeper.

Jarod Kintz

I don’t care who you hang out with, so long as it’s either me or my clones. See, I’m not a jealous type.


Jarod Kintz

Yes! I just nailed an interview. I’m going to be a professional hammerer.


Jarod Kintz

In my new job, I have big shoes to fill. My predecessor was a midget.


Jarod Kintz

I wear my job like a robe. I can’t wait to take it off. I vacation like a nudist showers—in the rain, under an umbrella, with five judges watching and awarding style points.


Jarod Kintz

If you think my current job is boring, you should see the sleeper I did before. (I worked as a mattress salesman.)

Jarod Kintz

I cry at weddings, but not funerals. One’s a sad event, and the other a joyous one.


Jarod Kintz

I know my kids are safe, because they’re still in my testicles.
 Can I fix you an omelet? I make them by hand?

Jarod Kintz

I’m with the Homework Police. Recruitment is up 20% since kids stopped learning about fractions.

Jarod Kintz

I’ll kill my critics with kindness. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll use something deadlier, like a knife.

Jarod Kintz

A country bumpkin doesn’t know bupkis about a kiss. I know, because I don’t even know what bupkis means.


Jarod Kintz

A quick smile, a nod of recognition, a hearty laugh, these are the sorts things you can do to make people feel welcomed as you keep them locked up in your torture dungeon.


Jarod Kintz

A speeding fine lets me know it’s OK to break the law, just so long as I’m willing pay money for the privilege to do so.

Jarod Kintz

A light on my car’s dashboard came on, and instead of fixing the problem, I waited for the bulb to burn out. Crisis solved.

Jarod Kintz

I’m not Helen Keller—I’m Van Gogh. It’s not that I can’t hear, it’s that I don’t use my ears.

Jarod Kintz

I was listless, so I made a list. I sat listless, listening to my inner voice before I started.


Jarod Kintz

I can Control F to find words and phrases lost in a sea of literature, but why can’t I Control F to find one object among a hoarder’s clutter?

Jarod Kintz

Knock on wood for good luck—and if you think that’s the best way to get the door to open.


Jarod Kintz