The only way to eat Cheerios is without cheer. Could a product name be more of an oxymoron?
I’d like to open a restaurant. Would you eat at a place called Filthy’s? The name would be better than the food, which in turn would be better than the service.
I drive by McDonald’s, Burger King, and Wendy’s everyday before I get to Taco Bell. Then I keep driving to Chipotle.
I’ll take a side of mashed potatoes—on the left side. And the right side.
Like pets, I name my leftover food. Only I name them all after myself, partly so my coworkers won’t eat them in the fridge, but mostly out of vanity.
The good news is my neighbor survived the fire. The bad news is I like my food cooked a little more thoroughly.
The Italians say ciao. The Chinese say Chow. And the Americans chow while they say stuff.
No matter which end of a hotdog you take your first bite from, I’ll tell you you’re eating it backwards. I’m serious, I think you may be dyslexic.
When she said she’s making dinner, my initial reaction was, “Sex!” When she said she wanted to go lay down, my initial response was, “Sex!” No matter what she said, I always thought, “Sex!” She must be one freaky nymphomaniac, because e...
The best ingredient is free. Free always makes food taste better.
Menus are sexist. I prefer the term womenu.
Dinner for two is dinner for one, when one of the two is a cannibal.
I consume knowledge like food. I prefer learning about fruits and vegetables.
Who’d pay more to get less? Only a fool—or a government agency.
Palindromes—making life easier for dyslexics since, like, forever.
The reason the police buy water cannons is not only to control rowdy crowds, but also because my penis is not for sale. However, it is for rent, but not in the fight against freedom.
Collecting gold and silver is like collecting your freedom, one ounce at a time.
Tonight at 8:00. My bed. Bring a friend, and I’ll show you how to make a Snuggle Sandwich.
I’m productive. I make things. I make fun.
I had tons of fun, minus 3,999 pounds.
Why can’t car washes be giant waterslides for cars? Speaking of fun, why can’t sex be fun, rather than something you begrudgingly pay for, like taxes.
