Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

My mom died. Then my dad died. I’ll try to do better next time.

Jarod Kintz

He tried drowning himself, but he only succeeded in taking a bath. That man was my dad, and I showed him how to tie a tie—and a noose.

Jarod Kintz

I should name my future son after an orgasm sound.
Not mine—his mother’s. It’d be silly to name him Eek, after my orgasm sound, because that’s his uncle’s name, and that’d be too confusing.

Jarod Kintz

I told my father I was his dad. But I lied. He’s adopted.


Jarod Kintz

Her vagina feels like home, while her sister’s vagina feels like a hotel room. I should ask for a late checkout.

Jarod Kintz

Two former students of mine are getting married. Congrats, grandpa and grandpa!

Jarod Kintz

I’m probably infertile. I inherited it from my dad.

Jarod Kintz

I had to kill and eat my pet chicken. It was dinner for one, because the night before I killed and ate my grandpa.

Jarod Kintz

I have a spreadsheet of all the women I'd like to spread and sheet. Your mom is on my list. So is your grandma, may she rest in peace.

Jarod Kintz

I was saddened to hear about a death in her family. I’d much rather hear about many deaths in her family.


Jarod Kintz

When I think about my dad, I start clapping. I’m not applauding because he lived, but because he died.


Jarod Kintz

My grandpa was a grandma robber. He stole two grandmas, both of them mine. His name was Rob.

Jarod Kintz

Just like wearing black makes you look thinner, wearing a midget makes you look taller.


Jarod Kintz

The sundress she wanted was too expensive for me, so I bought her a moondress. It’s not as shiny, but it still makes me howl.

Jarod Kintz

My fate is sealed, like a new jar of peanut butter, but that doesn’t mean it has to be crunchy.


Jarod Kintz

I’m a feminist. That’s why I own a dishwasher.

Jarod Kintz

When you get to know them, most professional fighters are big teddy bears. I say that having been beat up by a few stuffed animals.

Jarod Kintz

If your house was burning, what would you grab? I’d grab my penis. Repeatedly.

Jarod Kintz

Why do firemen wear jackets? I wouldn’t think they’d get cold running around in burning buildings.

Jarod Kintz

I don’t work out, but I do work in, which requires more focus and stillness.


Jarod Kintz

What two sides do I want with my dinner? The left and the right side.

Jarod Kintz