Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

The only class I studied religiously was Christianity 101.

Jarod Kintz

Everywhere I go, I’m second to arrive. My reputation precedes me, and sometimes it skips out on the bill.

Jarod Kintz

You know what show I thought was a riot? Live coverage of Egyptians overthrowing their government.

Jarod Kintz

I made love to a woman 20 years older than me. The impressive part is that I was only eleven at the time. I saved my allowance for two years to be able to afford her services.

Jarod Kintz

Don’t scream out my name in bed. Scream out random fractions instead.

Jarod Kintz

I need to go to the store and pick up some condoms. But first I need to pick up some women.

Jarod Kintz

Sexy is fine. So is OK.

Jarod Kintz

We had sex by the fireplace. I remember because my waxy nipples started dripping on the carpet.

Jarod Kintz

I got hit on at the bar last night, and this morning I have a black eye. Sometimes you can be so sexy that you offend, I guess.

Jarod Kintz

On TV, I can hit the mute button and silence any moron. I wish real life came with a hush button I could push and enjoy instant quiet.

Jarod Kintz

My skin hasn’t been sleeping. It stays awake just itching for a fight.

Jarod Kintz

In the spirit of slumber parties, I want to have a sleepover and invite only narcoleptics.

Jarod Kintz

I suspect I’ll be suspicious for my whole life that Saturday night is sleeping with Sunday morning.

Jarod Kintz

I’m as thirsty as an elephant penis in the snow. I’m ready to love again.

Jarod Kintz

Do I own my soul, or would two of my clones?

Jarod Kintz

I love so much you could probably see my affection from space with the naked eye (take off your eyelids, woman!)

Jarod Kintz

My thermos does such a good job of keeping my tea hot that it feels like I’m drinking iced tea.

Jarod Kintz

Before I’ll take my clone on as a pupil in the craft of writing, he must prove his worthiness. He must write 100 thoughts down, of which 10 might be interesting. If he’s done that, good, then he must write 1,000 thoughts, of which 200 might be in...

Jarod Kintz

Most people buy the highest quality television sets, only to watch the lowest quality television shows.


Jarod Kintz

I don’t think I’d come off well on TV. But if you ever see me on, my advice is to add more bleach and keep scrubbing the screen.

Jarod Kintz

It’s good if you think bad thoughts, because at least you’re thinking. That’s more than most people do.

Jarod Kintz