I ejaculate confidence. My self-esteem might impregnate you.
I eat a lot of raw food. Not for health reasons, but because I’m too lazy to cook.
I can cook a mean hamburger. I can also cook a rude hamburger, and probably a sarcastic one, depending on how snarky the patty gets.
Quarterbacks shouldn’t leave the pocket, because that’s where the money is. Every politician knows this.
If there are seven people present, myself included, and there is one pizza that’s cut into eight slices, then everyone should get one slice—except for me, who should get two slices, because I didn’t pay. It’s this For The People mentality tha...
I think I’d make a great cop, because I love pastries, respect that shines like metal on my chest, and anonymous envelopes stuffed full of cash just for turning my head to the left when a crime’s happening on the right.
To not get caught, commit your crime in such a way so that anybody could have done it, because if anybody could have pulled it off than everyone is a suspect, and therefore nobody is a suspect.
She asked me if I wanted to attend her wedding, and I started crying as I said, “I do.
I’m an amazing dancer. Of course, to the casual observer, my dancing looks like I’m walking and then sitting.
She said if you don’t dance and you wear no pants I will marry you. I said, I do.
The issue, let’s pick it up in the AM. The mannequin, let’s pick it up now and dance like our stiff moves are cool and by design.
My grandpa looks good in booty shorts. It’s too damn bad he’s dead and can’t twerk it for the small crowd that’s gathered in the cemetery.
I unstrapped her bra like I’d unstrap a seat belt, and for the same reason—to live dangerously. And to exit the vehicle.
I am the Cheese Cube of Desire. Sometimes you’ve just got to live dangerously.
My deceit is shaped like a STOP sign. It’s also bright red. If you don’t observe it, it can be quite dangerous.
A finger point plus a thumb’s up is a handgun. Don’t worry, it’s not loaded. Now the mashed potatoes, they’re loaded. Dangerously delicious.
Don’t eat in the dark. My brand of cat food comes with a light bulb in the can.
I rewired my brain. Now every time I feel disappointment I orgasm. So go on a date or get stood up, either way I’ll cum.
She invited me out to dinner, and I declined saying I’m not a fan of big groups. She said it would be just us two, and I said, Like I said, I’m not a fan of big groups.
I went to a wake, but I wasn’t awake. I was asleep, not dead.
A person isn’t an assortment of body parts. A person is a collection of habits and decisions.
