Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Cats are portable calm distributors. They’re like vending machines distributing peace for free. 

Jarod Kintz

I’m not sitting around doing nothing. I’m busy petting the cat. Why hasn’t anybody told the philosophers that this is the meaning of life? 

Jarod Kintz

I thought orange was a more electable color, so I dyed my whole cat orange, and renamed him Abe Lincoln. I licked his fur clean in celebration of his victory.

Jarod Kintz

A bad reputation will dog you for years. A good reputation will cat you. 

Jarod Kintz

I’m selling cat fur by the pound. It’s brand new—never been petted. (Meows sold separately).

Jarod Kintz

I’m a charitable guy. I donate my free time to watching TV—and I do it benevolently, without being compensated by advertisers. 

Jarod Kintz

In the future, charities will be like pets. Everybody will want one, and millions will be abandoned. 

Jarod Kintz

He’s a great guy. He’d give you the shirt off his back if you asked. In fact, I’m wearing his shirt now, and I’m staring at his nipples. 

Jarod Kintz

She has so much junk in her trunk. Boy, I wish she’d just drop it all off at Goodwill. 

Jarod Kintz

I got excited when I saw a midget, and then disappointed when I realized it was just a child. Those things are so common.

Jarod Kintz

60% of children are born to unwed mothers. I should start pulling out. 

Jarod Kintz

Out of all the fathers in the world, I am the most like Mother Theresa. Also, I am childless. 

Jarod Kintz

For such small heads, little kids seem to have the biggest brains. No disrespect to midgets.

Jarod Kintz

Children are like geniuses, only smarter. Ocala has more creative kids than any other city named Ocala. That’s scientific, because there is only one city named Ocala, and it was named after a city not named Ocala. It’s true! It was named after ...

Jarod Kintz

For Christmas I got new socks. I peeled them off a dead body.

Jarod Kintz

I bought a five-pound sack of sugar. Now I just need to buy a cup of coffee to dump it in.

Jarod Kintz

She walked by with a pot of coffee and said, “Hot.” I said, “Thanks, I try to look good.

Jarod Kintz

I was afraid if I started talking in front of the crowd, they’d all laugh at me. And guess what? They did! Oh it was horrible. I’m never going to do stand-up comedy again.

Jarod Kintz

To avoid excessive talking, I stay positive. By saying things like, “I like it,” rather than “I don’t like it,” I can save up to 25% on my energy output. 

Jarod Kintz

I have roots in this community. Those roots are blonde. 

Jarod Kintz

Competitively, I’m looking for the edge. I need to shave off inefficiencies and get rid of this Beard of Mediocrity.

Jarod Kintz