Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I can’t say I can’t say can’t, because I can. I believe I don’t believe.


Jarod Kintz

My life story is too long to tweet. Too long by two characters—and by characters I don’t mean Dora J. Arod and Dark Jar Tin Zoo.

Jarod Kintz

I had an unconventional birth. I popped out of a vending machine, precisely like books don’t. But you shouldn’t read too much into it.

Jarod Kintz

Blood looks like red wine, but doesn’t go as well with cheese. And too much is spilled in war. No wine should ever be spilled on a battlefield.

Jarod Kintz

My body looks the same, but I gained 20 pounds. The difference is that right now I have an erection, and before I didn’t.


Jarod Kintz

I wrote a horror novel. I put the “boo” in book.

Jarod Kintz

I work for a mom and pop business. They’re my mom and pop, and my paycheck is called my “Allowance.

Jarod Kintz

I hate office politics. Still, I’m running for office mayor.

Jarod Kintz

Here’s what I’d love to see: A vending machine that dispenses cats for petting on your lunch break. Instead of money, the machine accepts hugs.


Jarod Kintz

Call me archaic, but I like making money the old-fashioned way—through prostitution.

Jarod Kintz

He looked groggy, and he told me he didn’t get any sleep, so I handed him a cat, because that’s like extra sleep right there.

Jarod Kintz

The key to making supreme Snuggle Pudding is mixing in enough cat.

Jarod Kintz

I would pull at my beard like a wise man, but I don’t have one—a beard (or a wise man). So instead I pull at my grandpa’s beard, as he purrs like a kitten.

Jarod Kintz

Cap’n and I are available for birthday parties at reasonable prices. He does magic, and I make your cake disappear.

Jarod Kintz

Sleeping, it’s what cats do best. It’s why they are my heroes.


Jarod Kintz

Cats are geniuses, because they know that looking out windows is better than watching Reality TV.

Jarod Kintz

My cat just licked my eyeball. Probably because I look like an asshole.
I also look like an asshole.

Jarod Kintz

I sleep around. I sleep around my cat, who sleeps like a boulder in the middle of the bed and refuses to move.


Jarod Kintz

You can call me Dances With Cats. I’m like Dances With Wolves, only meowier.

Jarod Kintz

I get scared at night. That’s why I got a cat—for protection. Cats are deadlier than Teddy bears.

Jarod Kintz

It was raining cats and dogs. My clothes were saturated with meows and barks.

Jarod Kintz