Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I can always say no to a bottle of booze, but only after saying yes to the alcohol inside.


Jarod Kintz

I drink wine like beer, only twice as much less.


Jarod Kintz

I gave her a sideways bitter beer smirk, and then I ripped a whole chicken apart and threw it at the waiter and said, This place is too weird for me.


Jarod Kintz

She likes her wine white, and that’s how I like my clam chowder. So chuggable!

Jarod Kintz

I replaced my wife with an empty chair, so I wouldn’t be poisoned at dinner. And I’m still alive, so I’d say it was a genius tactical strategy.

Jarod Kintz

He’s dead. I don’t celebrate who he was, but who he isn’t. He isn’t alive, and that is a great reason to party.


Jarod Kintz

My ambition is as deep as your pockets. I’m an aspiring politician.


Jarod Kintz

The president of the US is the leader of the free world, if by free world you mean the country with the largest prison system.

Jarod Kintz

4 in 5 Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing, which begs the question: Are 1 in 5 Americans retarded?


Jarod Kintz

It’s dark at night, yet people still drive. So I don’t see why people get so upset that I drive blindfolded during the day.

Jarod Kintz

Sales is the art of giving people what they don’t know they want, when they don’t think they’ll need it, at a price they don’t think they can afford.

Jarod Kintz

Rather than demolish an abandoned warehouse, why not just cover it with graffiti and call it art?


Jarod Kintz

Sales is the art of canvasing a field, framing a problem, and painting a solution. But you can’t go Van Gogh on a deal. You’ve got to use both your ears.

Jarod Kintz

Snuggling is an art. And I’m no Rembrandt—I’m a cat. I am pure cuddling genius.

Jarod Kintz

I had sex with a statue a few months ago. The sex was so still that I’m still wearing the condom.

Jarod Kintz

I’m a disciplined author. My diligent daily writing technique is called sleeping.


Jarod Kintz

Me and my readers, we’re on the same page. That page is one.

Jarod Kintz

I want to raise awareness for platform shoes’ ability to raise awareness.


Jarod Kintz

During those hours, I had zero social awareness, as I was asleep. All the joggers who waved at me while I was walking can vouch for that.

Jarod Kintz

Probably the reason the NY Yankees want to move their farm team to Ocala is to recruit me. I am the Babe Ruth of farming.


Jarod Kintz

What has keys but can’t listen to the beauty it unlocks? A piano.

Jarod Kintz