I spend a lot of time saving time. I have a filing cabinet full of clocks and watches.
I have been traveling for decades, and I’ve finally reached a conclusion: I still have much to learn.
It’s not how much you paid, but how much it would cost to replace it that’s important. What is the price of love?
Exposing the truth almost always hurts some, but helps others. But if you don’t expose it, you’ll still be hurting some and helping others. Just the other others.
If Agatha had a twin, an exact duplicate, would I still feel she’s irreplaceable? And if I had a twin, would my value double, or be worth half as much?
Agatha had a face like an avocado, and a voice like guacamole. I know because I eat lime scented (and flavored) tortilla chips all the time (except at 4:44).
This city needs a stadium. Where am I supposed to masturbate?
I farted five fingers of happy. It was a hot hello.
A coffin with wheels would make a great shopping cart. I’ll bet a hollowed-out body would hold a lot of soup.
It’s raining and my clothes are all wet. They are so drinkable! So is my love for you, but I left that in the river, along with the umbrella.
She said no to my sexual advances. Makes me wonder if she even knew the seven colors of the rainbow add up to the length of my penis.
Ever since Sincere died, I’ve been meaning to have meaning. Her love was the one thing that made me want to do other things, and without it I’m thingless.
Drop by and knock on my bedroom window. My room is on the 13th floor. 1-12 are numbers on a clock, and I won’t wait forever.
After years of immaturity, I finally have my act together. As far as acting, it’s very slapstick.
Once I decide not to do something, I’m swift in my action—or rather my actionlessness.
My father inherited my old looks.
My last two girlfriends both had the same name—and they looked similar. One looked older than the other, but they were in fact the same person.
One bad habit people do way past the age they should be doing it is living. The youth of today, they’re so old.
I’m the same old guy I was when I was a young guy.
At church, during communion, they give out free wine. Whoa! Talk about a great place to drink and meet women.
To every party, I bring my own booze. No need to help me carry it, as I walk in with it already in my bloodstream.
