Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

If you ask, What is a non sequitur? And I say, “Blue love on a blue moon on Mr. Green’s greenback printing machine (the one that sounds like Weimar Germany in 1923)”, then I have given you an example of a non sequitur. But since you asked what ...

Jarod Kintz

I want to write a song called, “She Bangs.” It won’t be about a sexually loose woman, but rather it will be a knock-knock joke.

Jarod Kintz

Freud was a fraud, but he’d probably think I have a complex of some kind. Anal, oral, Orafoural, etc. While most kids wanted to grow up to be an astronaut, one of Barbara Streisand’s bras, a priest in sheep’s clothing, or an IRS employee, I alw...

Jarod Kintz

I never got to take Agatha to the prom. I never took anybody. At the time I was OK with going alone, but now it pisses me off. Since even Sam said no to me, and Sam was the school’s only hermaphrodite, I decided to wear a tuxedo dress. I was prepar...

Jarod Kintz

Being sociable is a skill you can learn. It’s like throwing a spiral, riding a bicycle, or murdering your clone’s lover, who also happens to be your girlfriend.

Jarod Kintz

I design, manufacture, distribute, and sell elevator buttons. I specialize in the fourth floor. And I don’t mean to brag, but I’m such a good salesman that I could sell one of my fourth-floor elevator buttons to the owner of a three-story buildin...

Jarod Kintz

All the letters from A to Z couldn’t express what you mean to me. Not without cloning them and using some over and over

Jarod Kintz

You know, if a waitress asks me if I want ketchup with my fries, I’ll reply, “No thanks, I’ll just drink water.” And that’s not just a statement about table etiquette; it’s a personal quote that accurately reflects my moral and philosophi...

Jarod Kintz

As my grandfather once famously shouted, in a drunken stupor, “You can’t have fish tacos if you still have the hook in your mouth!” And while I have no idea what he meant, or how it’s relevant, I tell that story to any indigenous Mexican I me...

Jarod Kintz

I live my life by a code. I drew on the Magna Carta for inspiration. It may have been the most expensive doodle ever. The British Library kicked me out, and threatened to prosecute me if they couldn’t repair the documents.

Jarod Kintz

I did want adventure. I didn’t want to prescribe Ritalin to ADHD kids and tell fat old men to get more exercise. I wanted to go to the heart of Africa. Cradling villages of starving, disease-ridden children. Reserving no luxuries for myself. We wou...

Jarod Kintz

When there were no customers, he thought about geometry. He tried to perform the Pythagorean Theorem on the light fixture above him, given his estimate of its circumference, but he failed. He wanted to be good at math. But he just wasn’t. He wanted...

Jarod Kintz

Me and my grandma are getting married. Just not to each other.

Jarod Kintz

Oh, there are so many ways to categorize and catalogue things. Alphabetically, numerically, by date, weight, height, color, monetary value, sentimental value, or by Orafoura’s spiritual index. For me, I order things to subdue the overwhelming feeli...

Jarod Kintz

Agatha was a woman. All women are mortal. Therefore, Agatha must be dead.” -Orafoura

Jarod Kintz

I killed my clone and I hid his body behind every mirror I’ll ever step in front of. I’m always surprised to see him, and I never fail to brush his teeth or gaze at his decomposing body.

Jarod Kintz

I sleep with an astronaut’s helmet on my head, just in case I get into a high-speed crash with space during the middle of the night.

Jarod Kintz

My favorite thing to do is watch the radiation box. Not the TV, but the microwave.

Jarod Kintz

The pockmarked and chalk-white sidewalk was like the surface of the moon, and I felt like Neil Armstrong as I walked along in my space boots and white helmet with my visor flipped down. Of course in zero gravity, Neil probably had a more impressive e...

Jarod Kintz

I went to the mountains, but they were closed. Apparently I wasn’t on Mountain Time.

Jarod Kintz

Where is the pizza I ordered 33 minutes ago? I specifically called for pizza to be delivered. The pizza’s missing, and so is the delivery guy. I hope nobody finds his body in the woods, naked, with extra pepperoni covering his nipples.

Jarod Kintz