Agatha had her tubes tied and now she can’t get any toothpaste.
My grandmother is dating a grandfather clock, and I’ve started wearing a wristwatch on my ankle. I also wear my love for Agatha like a raincoat, and I am jealous of every umbrella I see.
Agatha and I rode off towards the sunset together. On a unicycle. Two bodies, one wheel, one seat, one love. And tomorrow Agatha’s clone and I will ride off towards the sunrise together. On a bicycle. Two bodies, two wheels, one seat, two loves, on...
I don’t dwell on the fact that I may have ridden on planes. That which I can’t remember having needed, I simply accept. It is the most preferable kind of self-insight: one that does not require any accompanying change in behavior.
My advice to you: Just be yourself. That’s what I’m trying to do. So, can I borrow your clothes?
Long after our cities are condemned and deserted, our city parks will stand as a testament of the serenity of our weekends to distant trespassers. As we wait in the bushes to embrace their heavy garments, the trespassers may think, cuddling themselve...
Being alive means living fully extended. Like Orafoura’s cousin, who is 2.5 inches tall, but has a five-inch penis. You can’t say that’s average, because how many people do you know whose penis is twice as long as they are?
America is not a place. America is an idea that died along with my grandfather. And I’m sorry to say that I shot them both.
I collect information. But not just any information, I collect misinformation. I am the museum of misinformation. I’m also the artist and curator. And Docent.
Silence is wittier than any jest. Thou wanteth to express thy feelings with eloquence and grace? Drop thy jaw boldly and beautifully. There, thou’rt starting to get it. But hang out thy tongue more. Let the drool strands drip down thy chin and give...
That streetside tree is obscuring the air. Cut it down. Haul it in for questioning. There are secrets within that foliage. You might want to separate the branches in different rooms and apply some elementary game theory.” “Question a plant?” �...
When a lack of white blood cells exposes the horizon of being, one has to make a choice. To cloister yourself away in a germ-free environment, alive but alone, or to embrace the woman you love and catch your death of cold at the marriage ceremony? Wh...
I can’t define what love is. That’s like eating a pancake with a waffle instead of a fork. But you know it when you feel it, like petting a cat wearing a synthetic fur coat.
My name is Davis Davis. And don’t call me Mr. Davis! How would you like it if I called you Mr. Archibald, or whatever your first name is?
I don’t have any regrets,” a famous movie actor said in an interview I recently witnessed. “I’d live everything over exactly the same way.” “That’s really pathetic,” the talk show host said. “Are you seeking help?” “Yeah. My shr...
We all must die, but only I put the “must” in mustard. Sadly, the only man alive who understands what I mean is dead. RIP Mitch Ketchup.
As a lake is the reciprocal of an island, so Agatha is the soup to my spoon. She makes me feel like an apple and a doctor, keeping myself away from myself, like the yellow stripes yelling at the black bars of a bee.
For all of life’s problems, blame my father. He was never there for me, not even at conception.
The x-ray of your skull shows a large, flobby mass floating inside. I have to consult my colleagues to be certain, but it looks like a long sausage snarled into a lump.
I’m not growing old for free. I’m charging myself with the task of becoming someone better every day. And by better I mean younger.
The past is the past. I believe that people can change, under the right conditions (like plastic surgery).
