Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I make love like a mannequin mimicking a statue, only with less movement and more grunting.

Jarod Kintz

I make love efficiently. Why involve two people, when the same outcome can be done by one?

Jarod Kintz

Love is like meatloaf—don’t make it after midnight, unless you’re wearing a condom.

Jarod Kintz

We made love like two trees on a breezeless day. Neither one of us moved for hours.

Jarod Kintz

I make love like hello, good to meet you. I would say hi, but I like to stretch it out and really make the sex last.

Jarod Kintz

I make love like I make sausages. And I don’t make sausages. At least not myself. I pay someone to make it for me. And sometimes I even pay for the sex that I’m paying someone else to make for me.

Jarod Kintz

A soldier wages war, and for what, minimum wage? I’d rather make love for free—or better still, get paid to have sex.

Jarod Kintz

I make love like Siberia, only with less heat and more of an isolated feeling.

Jarod Kintz

Love is a speedy bird that looks like a fish. If you catch one in the sky, try not to drown.

Jarod Kintz

Love is a cloudless sky, and I’m having the longest drought of my life.


Jarod Kintz

The snow covered the two hills like vanilla frosting on two breasts. That’s what I thought then, because I was in love, and ready to sled down the icing on a birthday cake.


Jarod Kintz

Love is a fur helmet in a new sport called Petting, where physical contact is the object of the game. Even when you lose, you win.

Jarod Kintz

My love tastes like a raincloud. Best taken when suffering from desert mouth.


Jarod Kintz

Improve your life by taking advantage of new technologies like bleach and a drinking glass. Show your love for the globe by reducing an overpopulated world by one.

Jarod Kintz

For every uneaten sandwich there’s an unopened sandwich bag full of baby’s tears. I’d give you a straw, but around here, those anal devices are rare. Also, I think I’m in love. Either that or I’m thirsty.

Jarod Kintz

Taste my tears and tell me I don’t have the saltiest love you’ve ever licked. My love for you is like a liquid potato chip.

Jarod Kintz

When I think of you, I immediately think of someone else. That’s what I call love, and that’s why I never call you.

Jarod Kintz

I can’t remember if I’ve time traveled, because memory only covers the past, and it’s likely I’ve only been to the future. But that’s natural, because that’s where I store all my love.


Jarod Kintz

Steal my stuff, but don’t you dare steal my time. It’s all I’ve got in this life. Well, that and a lot of love to give. Oops. Did I say give? I meant sell.

Jarod Kintz

My three favorite times are 3:33, 12:34, and the moment I fall in love. Unfortunately, I haven’t figured out how to set an alarm to alert me for the first two.

Jarod Kintz

She said her heavy luggage had wheels, so I said, “Here, why don’t I carry that for you?” I was in stupid love.

Jarod Kintz