Men are from vaginas, and women are from women.
No matter how far or long you carry it, my love doesn’t weigh a lot. But if you aren’t carrying it with you, it will weigh heavy on your mind.
If love were a glove, I’d wear it on my foot like a goldfish in a silver mine. Ten dimes is too much money to spend on one dollar.
I decided not to charge you with murder, because that would require me filling out lots of paperwork. So you’re free to go.
I can play the trumpet, but only if I have a sufficient quantity of anal lube.
Some people should have stopped singing in the 60s, even if they were born in the 80s.
All my writing is translated from Gibberish directly into Nonsense. So if my writing offends you, then don’t blame me—blame the translator.
I’m wearing shoes made of sea foam, and I am here to seduce the elderly. If you brought the geriatrics, then I brought the jellyfish.
My subconscious is like the ocean, only deeper and less polluted.
I have a strong opinion on steroids.
The best way to get America back to work, and reduce our deficit, is hire all the photographers in the country, position them on street corners, and have them take pictures of all the license plates of red-light runners, who will then receive a fine ...
Planning is worrying, only in a productive, proactive form. Worry has to be a large element of planning, or else how could you project different possible scenarios, situations, outcomes, and probabilities, and then plot a course of action? A worry-fr...
There are many men who deserve to die. The most deserving are those that claim to serve the public, but only serve up the public as dinner to the wolves.
When I first heard Twilight was a book about vampires that sparkled in the light and shape shifters/wolves eager to assist the vampires, I thought, Finally, a metaphorical book dealing with politicians and lobbyists.
I’m very careful with political statements. When I bash the Republicans, I know I’ll piss off about half the people. That’s why I also bash the Democrats, so I can piss off the other half of the population too.
If I run for office, my political platform will be made of wood, and it’ll be made by the people.
The only thing politicians serve is their own interest. Public servant has morphed into private serpent.
Republicans are a glass half full, and Democrats are a glass half empty. Either way, I want a new glass. I want it full, and I want it clean.
I walk everywhere wearing orange pants, an orange vest, and a yellow bicycle helmet with a bumper supporting a political candidate I don’t support. I want people to associate that politician with a retard in the hopes they don’t vote for him. Or ...
Politics isn’t dirty. And neither are politicians. No, politicians are filthy.
I like when wind works. But in this depression, does anything work? If it’s not unemployed, it’s broken. When I hear the politicians talk, all I hear is them breaking wind through their mouths.
