Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I’m a farmer of love. Just add water.

Jarod Kintz

Love is like the moment you’re about to win at chess, and then you realize you’re the other color and you’re actually about to lose.

Jarod Kintz

Love is like a chess match, where the queen wins the game and the king just sort of stands around.

Jarod Kintz

Love is meant to be sipped, rather than chugged, like a glass of wine you drink strait from the bottle.


Jarod Kintz

Love is the science of reducing your sound while upping the amplitude of another person.

Jarod Kintz

I’d like to sell mustaches in a can—for the connoisseur consumer and gentleman lover in every woman.

Jarod Kintz

I am the Wheelbarrow of Love. Let me get back to work.

Jarod Kintz

It's easy to say I love you, but much harder to show it. Be bold. Be in love—and show it. Love is like writing—show, don’t tell.

Jarod Kintz

To be in love is to be in two places at once. Zombies and Schrödinger’s cat are also in two places at once.

Jarod Kintz

I wrote this piece because my mailbox was full of bills, junk mail, and lettuce, but not a single letter from Andre Breton. So I decided I’d write to him (though I did eat my first two drafts).

Jarod Kintz

The Chair I’m writing to you, who made the archaic wooden chair look like a throne while you sat on it. Amidst your absence, I choose to sit on the floor, which is dusty as a dry Kansas day. I am stoic as a statue of Buddha, not wanting to bother t...

Jarod Kintz

Here's a haiku/palindrome I wrote called, "Obsession." Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob

Jarod Kintz

A Letter to Andre Breton, Originally Composed on a Leaf of Lettuce With an Ink-dipped Carrot On my bed, my green comforter draped over my knees like a lumpy turtle, I think about the Berlin Wall of years that separates us. In my own life, the years a...

Jarod Kintz

She burst in the door, I burst into song, and he burst into flames. Our love triangle turned into dinner for two featuring roasted marshmallows.

Jarod Kintz

Youth, I didn’t want that illness. Luckily I recovered just in time for middle age. Now I can focus on more important things, like love, a relationship, and my upcoming existential crisis.

Jarod Kintz

I’ll bet you make love like an orca whale sings opera. How do you make love? Bjork Orca asked me. Like an orca whale sings opera, only with more wetness, more shattered glass, and less boredom.

Jarod Kintz

I’ll make birthday to you like turkey on wheat. Hold the mayonnaise—and hold me tightly. My love candle burns bright for you like a black hole.

Jarod Kintz

I knew something was there, precisely because I hadn’t found anything and the space seemed empty. That’s also how I’m searching for love.

Jarod Kintz

Love is like breakfast with Mildred. Who’s Mildred? How the heck should I know? I don’t eat breakfast.

Jarod Kintz

My love is pizza shaped. Won’t you have a slice? It’s circular, so there’s enough to go around.


Jarod Kintz

Francis Bacon has the most delicious last name ever, followed closely by Johnny Scrambledeggs. I make love like those two guys make breakfast out of family reunions.

Jarod Kintz