Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Having a clone to bounce ideas off of would be a way to generate more ideas. Another way would be to build an idea generator that plugs into a wall socket and works only when the power has gone out.

Jarod Kintz

Knowing where you come from is just as important as knowing who you aren’t. You aren’t your own clone.

Jarod Kintz

At first sign of crisis, the ignorant don’t panic because they don’t know what’s going on, and then later they panic precisely because they don’t know what’s going on.


Jarod Kintz

I have a mansion of an imagination, and I cordially invite you to come sleep in my shed.

Jarod Kintz

Mr. Williquosi, I didn’t mean to stab you in your gums with your fork. I was merely trying to spoon-feed you information.

Jarod Kintz

You don’t have to visit an asylum to see insanity. All you have to do is visit Washington DC.

Jarod Kintz

A two-headed man should have twice the IQ, and the ability to have internal dialogues externally.

Jarod Kintz

I don’t think our president is doing a good job, but I think he’s doing a great vacation.

Jarod Kintz

In a lot of ways I am like a duck. I love the water; I have large, web-like feet; and I could never kill a man, unless that man tasted like soggy bread and I decided to eat him.

Jarod Kintz

I can kick the can down the road, and I can also kick other modal verbs.

Jarod Kintz

I’ll steal bodies, not to be Corporal Corpse, but to have access to a never-ending supply of laughter still left over in their lungs.

Jarod Kintz

Thomas Jefferson is by far the smartest president,” said Thomas Jefferson, about Thomas Jefferson, and to Thomas Jefferson. Even though he was only the third president, he might be surprised to learn that today. I myself just learned it yesterday.

Jarod Kintz

The shape of her smile is curved like a lie, like a boomerang she knows she has to catch quickly when it comes back to her.

Jarod Kintz

If I told you I don’t tell lies, that itself would be a lie.

Jarod Kintz

Love is like a unicorn with a rainbow for a horn. What I mean is it’s rare, and you’re lucky if you see it once, or at the most twice, in a given week.


Jarod Kintz

I am a great customer. I’m not a loyal customer, but that’s what makes me great—my willingness to shop other brands for better buys.

Jarod Kintz

I am honest and enthusiastic, except when I’m lying down.

Jarod Kintz

If I can just find my wife’s foot under the covers, I know everything will be OK. Then I can put that foot where I hid the rest of her body.

Jarod Kintz

I have a rough marriage. It feels like sandpaper, only not as soft and gentle on the anus.

Jarod Kintz

When I got married, I could not have chosen a more gorgeous, loving, or perfect woman to crush than the one I broke up with to be with my wife.

Jarod Kintz

-There’s a beautiful woman here for you who wants to have sex.
 -Tell her I’m married. Then tell her I’ll be there as soon as I can.

Jarod Kintz