Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Love is like a portable lamp/sex toy. The world calls those flashlights, but I’m much more romantic.

Jarod Kintz

I’m always the last in love by exactly one person.

Jarod Kintz

Love is a green sky on a blue pasture, and I am the flying cow eating it all up.

Jarod Kintz

Love isn’t a series of slogans like “Just do it,” “It’s the real thing,” or “Go ahead, stick it in my butt.” Love is much more than that. Love is also a logo. I know, because I have it tattooed on my ass.

Jarod Kintz

I keep my love in the fridge, next to my meat, because you simply can’t beat it.

Jarod Kintz

I am approximately 96.694444% in love with you. Of course, that’s just a rough estimate.

Jarod Kintz

I am the archaeologist of love. I’m digging for the bones of a loved one I shot and buried decades ago.

Jarod Kintz

I want to write a song about the only girl I’ve ever loved. And the chorus will say something like, “I really want to see you tonight, so I hope you leave your blinds open.

Jarod Kintz

Love will make a man do some funny things, like tightrope walking across a telephone wire, rather than simply picking up the phone to call or text.

Jarod Kintz

The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can’t water down water. I’m like that with love, too. Don’t you dare add any ice to the hot liquid loving I’m trying to pour all over you.

Jarod Kintz

Why take the stairs when someone else can take them for you? Love is like a flight of stairs—somebody’s going to take them, so I may as well be unselfish and take the elevator.

Jarod Kintz

I would give you all my love, but I’m afraid I’d get nothing in return. And coming from you, nothing is simply much more than I want.

Jarod Kintz

I know a thing or two about a thing or two. One of those things is not love. Also, one of those things is not love.

Jarod Kintz

Love is, just like isn’t isn’t is.

Jarod Kintz

You tell me you love me, but I’m not sure you know what love is, or how fast it flies, or how much it resembles a UFO, or what kind of weapon you’d use to shoot it down.

Jarod Kintz

All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your ass before you take a shit.

Jarod Kintz

Love like you owe nothing, and pay in full.

Jarod Kintz

Love is as old as time, though it is considerably more difficult to stuff inside a watch.

Jarod Kintz

If love were a color, it’d be transparent, like all women’s clothing should be.

Jarod Kintz

When I was in the second grade, I used to think love was the feeling a man gets while riding a motorcycle and having a woman embrace him tightly from behind. Maybe I’m cynical now, but I’m starting to think love is a unicycle with a flat tire.

Jarod Kintz

I would rather make love than war, but only because condoms kill millions of lives more enjoyably.

Jarod Kintz