Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Love isn’t all flowers, candles, and dancing midgets. No, it is much, much taller than all that.

Jarod Kintz

I both made the knife-fighting team, and I got cut. If only love were so easy to understand.

Jarod Kintz

My love for you is like a Florida sunset. Orange, coral, pink, and lavender, it exists to warm your heart through the inevitable darkness.

Jarod Kintz

Love is bringing an empty Tupperware container on your date, not to hold leftovers from dinner, but just in case your date really has to shit. 

Jarod Kintz

Love is like a spring rain on a sunny September morning. And when I go out on dates, I bring my own jars of pickles. Women probably find it not only practical, but devastatingly sexy.

Jarod Kintz

Not only is my lover invisible, but she’s also nonexistent. Talk about a cheap date!

Jarod Kintz

I’m so glad my date doesn’t think I’m ugly. I love blind dates where the woman is actually blind. 

Jarod Kintz

I wear a tinfoil suit, because you never know when you’ll be going to the moon. I’ll probably have more luck finding the love of my life on a lonely and dead space rock.

Jarod Kintz

If my house were burning down, the one thing I’d take with me is my vast collection of smoke. I consider smoke the souls of dead cigarettes my lovers have exhaled.

Jarod Kintz

Asking me if I’m in love is like asking a mortician if now is the best time to die.

Jarod Kintz

Love is when you love someone’s spirit as much as their body, even if their spirit has departed and their body is buried wherever you hid it.

Jarod Kintz

My #love stories have happy endings, because I stop the tales before dejection, dementia, and death occur.

Jarod Kintz

I love that she loves me a 10, on a 5-point scale. Well, I know it’s a 5-point scale, though I asked her on a 1-100 scale.  

Jarod Kintz

I’ll bet I could find some hurtful words in a pile of sticks and stones. Something like an insincere and deceptive "I love you.

Jarod Kintz

Nine out of ten people agree, it was right and just to kill and eat that one guy. That’s love. That’s democracy. That’s a free dinner.

Jarod Kintz

We made love like the 1930s, only it wasn’t quite as depressing. Also, it only took me a half a decade to bring myself to orgasm. 

Jarod Kintz

Beth We Steve I know you can Dave. I’m a lover, not a We’re Closed Until Further Notice kind of mannequin. Your donkey is my motorcycle of desire.

Jarod Kintz

When I make love, I make a difference in at least one person’s life. (Limit one per purchase.)

Jarod Kintz

I never knew what love was until after I got divorced. But I’ve always been a bit dyslexic.

Jarod Kintz

Spain is 4/5ths pain and 1/5th S. I drank that fifth, and I loved S.

Jarod Kintz

Love is the hero of all emotions. My love for you is a superhero, and it looks great hidden behind a mask.

Jarod Kintz