Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Yesterday I shat rainbows until my anus started bleeding from a unicorn’s horn.  Ah, the joys of being in love.

Jarod Kintz

Love is the elephant we’re all trying to mouse down. Who am I to tell you that sex with furniture is not a “real” relationship?

Jarod Kintz

Love dances in my heart like a nudist in socks. Boy, that jig is awfully jiggly.

Jarod Kintz

Just as soon as I arrive I want to leave. Especially when I’m in love.

Jarod Kintz

You say guest, and I say prisoner. But I say it with love, so mine is preferable to yours.

Jarod Kintz

I saw her from across the room, and I knew I was in love. I also knew why I’d seen no urinals, as I was clearly in the wrong bathroom.

Jarod Kintz

I think I found the love of my life. Boy, I’m glad I cleaned out my fish tank.

Jarod Kintz

I love three women—Agatha, Christy, and Agatha Christie.

Jarod Kintz

My meeting was at 9:00 AM, and I walked in the room at 9:01. She said, “You’re late.” I stopped, my jaw open and slack, because I knew she was right. I was late—but for what? I was late for love.

Jarod Kintz

Love is missing your flight because you have a train to catch. I also have a football to catch.

Jarod Kintz

We’re all somewhere 1-100 in love. I’m always 100.

Jarod Kintz

Love is the most powerful force in the universe, and do you know where it gets its energy from? From a generator I have hooked up to a stationary bicycle.

Jarod Kintz

I didn’t have time to grow out a beard, so I glued a wig on instead. I make love like a hare in a tortoise shell.

Jarod Kintz

I’ll write The Art Of Love, which will be tactical, like The Art Of War.

Jarod Kintz

We made love like steam meets mist. My memory is foggy, but I know I inhaled her essence like smoke.

Jarod Kintz

Don’t keep me in the dark—let me take off my honorary Helen Keller blindfold and let’s make love like we have no senses except nonsense.

Jarod Kintz

Empty pockets full of empty packets of hot sauce remind me of the love I have for her. My heart burns with desire. My mouth also burns.

Jarod Kintz

Love, it’s like catching barrels in a fish.

Jarod Kintz

My nose, it’s like a doorstop for fists. Violence is just my fellow man’s way of showing love to me.

Jarod Kintz

We made love in the restaurant booth. It was romantic until our waiter knocked on our windshield.

Jarod Kintz

I eat toast and ice—because bread and water just aren’t enough for me. I’m also an insatiable lover.

Jarod Kintz