Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

With love, it’s better to act now and think later. Write your love poem after you’ve made love, and not before.

Jarod Kintz

Tennis should be played with a canoe paddle. And 30-love isn’t just a score, it was my age and feeling. Hand me a creek, because my eyes are dry.

Jarod Kintz

She could be the love of my life, and I just met her. I’m 31 years old. She’s late.

Jarod Kintz

I write love quotes for all ages—Teenagers, Young Adults, and even the Middle Ages—like between the years of 1200-1700. Erasmus loves my work. Well, probably he does, but as he’s dead you really can’t prove he doesn’t approve of my work.


Jarod Kintz

He’s a year shorter than me, but he’s a foot younger. I love him like the brother of an only child.

Jarod Kintz

I’m twice as old as she is tall. She’s half my age in height. We have a David and Goliath kind of love.

Jarod Kintz

If you could pour my love like it was a bottle of wine, would you have one glass or two? That was a trick question, because the answer is you’d drink it all—straight out of the bottle.


Jarod Kintz

You know you've drunk too much when you run out of booze. It's the same with love. Also, I'm drunk.

Jarod Kintz

The couch was wide enough for two, but I sat in it alone. Was I obese in body—or skinny in love?

Jarod Kintz

I’d love to visit a zoo stocked with stuffed animals. Where would all the real animals be? Well, the real animals would be where they always are: in Congress.


Jarod Kintz

I'm a dog lover and sex addict. Those two things are unrelated.


Jarod Kintz

My friends mess around with my friends—and my friends’ bikes. Sex with bicycles—that kind of love is just too fast for me. I’ll stick to sticking it in statues.

Jarod Kintz

My love is like the collision between a falling statue and still bird poop.

Jarod Kintz

Let love find you. Don’t go looking for it. The best way to attract a mate is to post an ad on Craigslist titled, “Have lube, will travel.

Jarod Kintz

She didn't say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my words, and not hers. How could I confuse "I love you" with "May I take your order?

Jarod Kintz

Tell me there’s a God, and I’ll believe you. But tell me you’re not in love with me, and I’ll shoot you an incredulous look. Then I’ll shoot you.


Jarod Kintz

To become one who believes two become one, you need love in your life.

Jarod Kintz

She wanted to know if I loved her, so I texted her a picture of a dead bird.

Jarod Kintz

Power lines are great places to hang my clothes—especially since my closet is full of birds. I make love like I have wings and know how to fly.

Jarod Kintz

She gave me money to buy condoms, and instead I bought a book of baby names. That’s life. That’s love. That’s fiscally irresponsible.


Jarod Kintz

I need a tube-shaped bathtub, to play the tuba in. I make love like I make music—in a shower that’s in a phone booth that’s in 1981, the year before I was born.

Jarod Kintz