Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

If we’re friends, I’m only the funniest guy you know because you don’t know John Cleese.
Or Steve Martin. Or Jack Handey. Or, or, or, I could go on for Orafoura.

Jarod Kintz

Even free things, things that cost no money, still cost time.

Jarod Kintz

It’s hard to steal somebody’s shoes while they are wearing them and not have them notice. But that’s what politicians have done in this country. Not only that, but they replaced all our footwear with concrete boots.


Jarod Kintz

In the name of freedom and redistribution of wealth, I’ve decided to grow a beard on my chest.

Jarod Kintz

The man lying on the sofa seemed friendly. But how friendly could he really be if he was a liar?


Jarod Kintz

I was hot so I gave myself a haircut. I then saw a bald man sweating, so I offered to tweeze his eyebrows. He accepted and was so grateful that he offered to trade mustaches with me. In remembrance of that special bonding moment, I still wear his mus...

Jarod Kintz

I’d kill for any one of my friends. Thankfully for the overpopulated prison system, I don’t have any friends.

Jarod Kintz

How far would I go to be friends with someone? Halfway.

Jarod Kintz

Webster’s—the original high definition entertainment.

Jarod Kintz

I have a beard of fog that I wear on misty mornings. It’s not cigarette smoke, but I’d understand if you wanted to shave it off and inhale it.

Jarod Kintz

A Kiss is a terrible name for a piece of chocolate shaped like a water droplet, because kisses are hot and would melt chocolate—even if it is wearing an astronaut suit made out of tinfoil.

Jarod Kintz

I want a 100% kind of relationship, and I’m willing to give it 50%.

Jarod Kintz

I wouldn’t even be the “world’s sexiest man” if the planet were populated entirely by my clones.


Jarod Kintz

You just tell me when and where, and not only will I not be there, but I’ll also be late.

Jarod Kintz

When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pulled to be opened.

Jarod Kintz

Would women find vampires even sexier and more romantic if instead of fangs they had rose thorns? It’s thoughts like these I think of when digging in my garden, looking for my one true love (If only I could remember where I buried her!).


Jarod Kintz

I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.

Jarod Kintz

I’m not going to lecture you on the error of your ways. Not until you fetch me a podium and a microphone. I’ll also need a screen, a projector, and a laser pointer.

Jarod Kintz

I removed all the doors to our love, so you can’t lock yourself away from me. But I didn’t stop there. I also replaced the doors with metal detectors, so I could fondle you more efficiently, like the highly trained professionals do who run airpor...

Jarod Kintz

Only the living can read. This means that when I write, my target market is people of the future. Greetings, people of the moon!


Jarod Kintz

I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour.

Jarod Kintz