Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I water fake plants, because I’m growing a garden of fake mustaches. Lest no man (or woman) question my ability as a lover.

Jarod Kintz

Love is meant to be taken seriously, like a joke.

Jarod Kintz

I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might say in a retirement home. 

Jarod Kintz

I love full on, like 65 mph in a handicapped parking spot. 

Jarod Kintz

Love isn't two matching unicycles. Love is a bicycle—and mine just got stolen. 

Jarod Kintz

I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the date she went on the night before.

Jarod Kintz

Her love was like cigarette smoke stirred into coffee. I drank it so fast it made me cough, but she’s not offering a refill at any price.

Jarod Kintz

A wife is a friend first, a lover second, and third and probably most important, a maid.

Jarod Kintz

If you don’t know how to love, then any old robot or mechanical device would best suit your relationship style. In this situation, vacuum cleaners might make the best lovers.

Jarod Kintz

I blew the love trumpet until my cheeks were blue. Then I paid 34 bucks for a taxicab ride home so I could admire my receding hairline in the mirror.

Jarod Kintz

To maximize love, I try to emulate an omelet. And I’m not just saying that to sound romantic.

Jarod Kintz

You know you’re in love when you reach out to hold your woman’s hand, without remembering that her hands are full because you insisted she carry all the groceries out to the car.

Jarod Kintz

Love is tender, like the pot roast I’m keeping warm in my shoes.

Jarod Kintz

Love is silence multiplied by noise and divided by two.

Jarod Kintz

Love walked in the door like a dusty cowboy, and I looked that cowboy dead in his eyes and said, “I thought I shot you.” And his eyes never blinked, wavered, or watered as he said, “You did. You shot me in the leg. But you can’t kill love tha...

Jarod Kintz

I make love like I make lasagna: with extra meat.

Jarod Kintz

I was rubbing the pieces of bacon like they were strands of a lover’s hair. Of course they weren’t, because all my exes had hair like scrambled eggs.

Jarod Kintz

If love were a variety of dog, I’d want mine hot. I’d take my love with ketchup and mustard.

Jarod Kintz

I am the Love Camel of Llama Land. Come, hop on my hump and let me lead you to water.

Jarod Kintz

Love doesn’t spend its time watering your plants. But it might bubblegum swank monkey mouth with you—twice.

Jarod Kintz

Out of all the guys she could love, I am two of them. But she chose my clone over me and that hurts. And it feels good.

Jarod Kintz