For the longest time I thought I was blind, until I realized my eyelids were just shut. So I unzipped my pants and got on with my life. After I quit the Helen Keller Society, of course.
I never heard back from her after our first date, so either she’s dead, or she rejected me. I wonder where her funeral was held.
A six-fingered man went to give me a high-five, and I got confused, so I left him hanging. By a noose.
If you chose my clone over me, you chose me over me. So I’d get chosen, and I’d get rejected.
I’m a romantic. I enjoy candle-lit breakfasts, and long walks in wheelchairs.
It’s not easy to run in such a way that makes it look like you’re walking.
Yesterday I bought myself a karate trophy. But I feel like I won it, because the salesman really beat me up over the price.
I called security when I found out I’d lost my virginity, but after looking for it, they assured me nobody had turned it in. I’d better tell grandpa the bad news before he takes his daily bowel movement.
Do you know what I want to do? If you guessed have sex, you win a brand new baby!
Forget cloning. I can make people. It’s called sex, and it’s more fun than science.
I have the sex drive of a parked car.
I like sex to be intense. I also like sex to be in tents.
I like my women like I like my sugar—refined. Actually, I like my sugar natural, like my mannequin sex.
Gloves are condoms for the hands. My bare handshake might impregnate you.
J is the sexiest letter, followed closely by a,r,o,d, and then k,i,n,t,z.
My voice smells like a shout. Especially when I eat silence.
I shot a deaf man. And just to be sure, I used a silencer.
My arms and legs fell asleep. Silence of the Limbs.
The sky smashed into my face, but I didn’t say anything, because aside from a warm breeze, I didn’t feel anything.
I couldn't decide whether to take a nap or not, so I did what I always do when thinking over a decision—I slept on it.
She said I brought her nothing but sorrow. I replied, “Consider it a gift that you didn’t have to unwrap.
