Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I make my own luck, and I make it in a pot. Then I bring it to potlucks.

Jarod Kintz

Open the door to my madness, and then climb in through the window. Be sure to knock on the door first, because I’ll be in the fridge.

Jarod Kintz

My wife and I went on vacation to get away. I went to Colorado, and she went to Ireland.

Jarod Kintz

The fastest way to divide your marital chores is with a karate chop. I’ll take the smaller half.

Jarod Kintz

My wife and I were together for two years. Those were the best two days of my life.

Jarod Kintz

There are red splatters all over my shirt. Is that spaghetti sauce—or a murder stain? Somebody go look for my mother-in-law, and if you find her, let me know so I can move the body to a better hiding spot.


Jarod Kintz

I am the red in remembered. Why am I red? Because I'm embarrassed.

Jarod Kintz

I left my money somewhere, probably in your wallet. Let me check.

Jarod Kintz

I am the Hooray Distributor. Hold your hands flat, not like begging for money, but as if you’re about to applaud. Now clap, damn you.

Jarod Kintz

I went fishing. I didn’t catch a creature with scales, but I did reel in sheet music. It had scales, and was quite tasty.


Jarod Kintz

With women, there is no sexual mystery—a vagina is a vagina. But with men, a woman’s got to wonder, is his penis small, medium, or Orafoura?

Jarod Kintz

My last two girlfriends were named Anna, though the second one spelled her name backwards. So instead of Anna, it was spelled Anna, and that's how I came to tell the two apart.

Jarod Kintz

If I had 31 minutes to live, I'd ask God to be there for me in my hour of need. I'm always like that, rounding up and needy.


Jarod Kintz

The raindrops gathered on my windshield like prostitutes at a political convention, and I voted like I always vote—with my windshield wiper.

Jarod Kintz

I had a dream about you. I was a parakeet in flight, and you were an empty cage. I felt bad, because if you were empty it meant that all the criminals were free to run this country into the ground from Washington DC.


Jarod Kintz

What if those weren’t ear hairs, but cockroach antennas, and that’s why your grandpa loves listening to political rhetoric so much?

Jarod Kintz

I didn’t buy the wart remover, because I didn’t want my wart removed—just relocated, to Washington DC, with the rest of the warts in this country.


Jarod Kintz

I wonder if when a politician dies, he gets reincarnated as a higher life form, like a cockroach. Well, maybe not that high up the dignity chain.

Jarod Kintz

I once saw a cockroach try to step on a politician, because it thought it was vile and disgusting.

Jarod Kintz

I need a camera shutter on my penis hole. That way I could photograph political corruption from the inside.


Jarod Kintz

Jacksonville has pedophiles, bestiality enthusiasts, and mannequin fuckers. We also have other kinds of politicians too.


Jarod Kintz