Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

The letters of my name are scrambled like eggs. They should be sunny side up, like Dark Jar Tin Zoo.

Jarod Kintz

Friendship is like putting butter on your socks before you slide them on. Sure, we all do it occasionally, but most of us would rather eat breakfast bare-handed at least once in a while.

Jarod Kintz

While I was waiting for my shoulders to fill out, I decided to fill out the football application. That’s how you make the team, right?


Jarod Kintz

I want a job with a great deal of freedom, like riding on the back of a bald eagle.

Jarod Kintz

True freedom is an empty cup, because it can be filled with anything. Freedom sounds great, until someone hands it to you, and then it just makes you thirsty.

Jarod Kintz

Eddie Money and Johnny Cash should have collaborated. I’d have paid good last name to see them in concert. 


Jarod Kintz

I eat cereal with a hammer, because I operate with a government-level efficiency. Let’s build a smarter tomorrow—with a spoon.

Jarod Kintz

I rap. I also wrap. It’s a gift I have.

Jarod Kintz

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his urethra. If you hurry, you can make it to mine in under 15 dollars. I mean minutes.

Jarod Kintz

I still have wagon splinters stuck to my ass, from when my high school coach made me ride the bench.

Jarod Kintz

Four walls don’t make a home. Neither does having a roof over your mouth.

Jarod Kintz

I like to bunch words together to form new words, like "off" and "ice" to form "office." But I have no idea what an office is, because I avoid work like the plague. Is office even a real word?

Jarod Kintz

I planted the seed in her imagination, and then I farmed it. Like a fisherman.

Jarod Kintz

Everybody thinks they’re different—and they are—but they all demand to be treated the same. Why?

Jarod Kintz

On influence: If you want to have a lot of pull, don't go pushing people around.

Jarod Kintz

I’m still at work. I’m also still at work (I’m trying to remain motionless until the end of my shift).

Jarod Kintz

I’ll kill you with kindness. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll kill you with something deadlier, like a karate chop.

Jarod Kintz

Things are always funnier when you have someone to laugh with. That’s why I laugh alone, in the mirror.

Jarod Kintz

He graduated law school, but he didn’t pass the bar. No, he stopped in and got drunk.

Jarod Kintz

There’s a hurricane coming to Florida, and there will be high winds. I should probably turn off my ceiling fans, to try to mitigate the billions of dollars in damages the storm will incur.

Jarod Kintz

I love sleepwalking, because when else would I get to combine exercise and rest?

Jarod Kintz