I made love to a woman who didn’t exist, and I can’t remember how it didn’t feel. It amazes me how often I think about not thinking about it.
The eyes in the frying pan looked tasty. But as good as they looked, it wasn’t good that they were looking at me.
The only reason I didn’t feel like a complete fool was because the failure left me feeling incomplete.
I’m practically famous. More than eleven people have heard of me. Twelve, to be exact.
The name’s David Davidson, and I am not my own son. I’m also not my own father, if you were wondering.
Take me to Happy Birthday Land. It’s open 364 days of the year, and the one day of the year it’s closed for cleaning happens to be my birthday.
I love running. I’m not into marathons, but I am into avoiding problems at an accelerated rate.
It’s not: I jumped in, and it was cold. No. It was cold, and I jumped in. Always arrange a sentence so you appear to be fearless, when in fact you are far less than fearless—you are clueless.
The big, burly oaf offended my girl, so without hesitation I rushed to her defense. I did, however, make a few stops along the way, and by the time I got home and back, the dispute was settled and she had found another way home.
I ought to fire one of my two employees into the other one’s asshole.
My favorite flower lost its voice, and through aroma therapy and the assistance of both my nostrils, I’m trying to help it get it back.
There is nothing more romantic than candles and flowers, except candles that smell like flowers and flowers that can be burned, as they flicker light while you dine alone and ponder how much of a romantic you are.
There are at least two sides to every issue, and I like my issues sunny side up. I also like bacon and toast on the side. Are you eating what I’m saying?
With the rising cost of food, either the portions get smaller, or the quality gets inferior. So, for example, pizza that used to taste like cardboard now tastes like carpet. Unvacuumed carpet, because I asked for lots of toppings.
I had a missed call. It’s probably the all you can eat buffet calling to say, “Come back! We know you can eat just a little bit more.
I met a guy who had an interesting job. He was a meat cutter, or a meat slicer, something like that. I probably butchered his job title.
If I were a magician, I’d hand out broken compasses. It’s all about misdirection.
I went to a football game once and got punched in the face, but you couldn’t tell because I was already sitting in the nosebleed section.
I’m not a ref, but I assigned her the penalty of clipping, and I told her to drop the scissors and step away from the newspaper ads.
To show the football coach I was ready to play tight end, I wore no pants and had a Q-tip dangling out of my ass.
With intellectual labor your hard work is forever, while with manual labor your hard work is temporary and soon forgotten.
