Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

If I were named Brad Pitt, I’d thank the actor by the same name, because due to his hard work and handsomeness, I’d be famous.


Jarod Kintz

People say I’m not punctual. That’s absurd, because I’m early. It’s my fame and wealth that are late. Once they get here, nobody will care what time I show up—just so long as I show up.

Jarod Kintz

She gave me money to buy condoms, and instead I bought a book of baby names.

Jarod Kintz

Leading up to my life is a long line of dead bodies. These are my ancestors, and I respect them, but I’m glad I don’t have to bury them all. I just have to bury my grandfather, before the cops get here.

Jarod Kintz

My girlfriend just had a baby. We've known each other for six months, so I'm pretty stunned to find myself becoming a father so soon. I hope the baby looks like me!

Jarod Kintz

I have family all over. And when they’re all over, I leave the house and go anywhere else.


Jarod Kintz

My son’s name will be Sonya, like his mother, whose name will be Dadya.

Jarod Kintz

I never knew my father. I saw him at a party once, but he never walked over and introduced himself to me.

Jarod Kintz

I possess an object that reminds me of your stepdad’s bowel movements. It’s brown and squishy and smells like yesterday.

Jarod Kintz

The cool thing about vests is they have no sleeves. I guess their target market is people with no arms. Raise your hand if you disagree.

Jarod Kintz

There’s late, there’s fashionably late, and then there’s me, who’s always unfashionably late. If the party starts at 8:00 on March 5th, I’ll be there at 8:00 on March 5th—the following year.

Jarod Kintz

I can spot a polka dot dress from hundreds of circles away.


Jarod Kintz

The ocean waves were choppy. Good thing I know karate and was able to fight back.

Jarod Kintz

She asked me if I had a light. I asked her if she was a wizard. She said no, so I felt safe in pulling out my pocket dragon.

Jarod Kintz

A rose is a mixture of flower and thorns, which means it’s half “Let’s fuck,” and half “fuck you.

Jarod Kintz

To get more liquids in my diet, I’ve started eating more soup and cereal. Anything that’s watered down, including my relationship.

Jarod Kintz

If you ever find yourself in a blender with a banana and an orange, just start throwing karate chops.


Jarod Kintz

I don't eat applesauce, but I do eat applause. I don't use a spoon—I eat applause with my hands.

Jarod Kintz

My penis smells like pasta. Also, I personally tested it out, and your spaghetti's not too hot now, if you want to eat it.


Jarod Kintz

Instead of complimentary breakfasts, why not complimentary compliments? Telling someone they’re looking skinny is sure to help them lose weight faster and feel better than, you know, actually eating.


Jarod Kintz

I have a chip on my shoulder. It's a nacho, not a sense of bitterness.

Jarod Kintz