I don’t drink coffee. Sorry, I don’t mean to burden you with my personal problems.
My farts smell like coffee. Drink them up. But slowly, because they’re hot.
I tell people, "Yeah, I went to Harvard University." What I don't tell them is I was only there for five minutes delivering a pizza.
I once took a vow of silence that lasted almost two years. Then, on my second birthday, I relented and started talking.
I’m learning sign language to be a better communicator and masturbator.
I won eight gold medals that day. I was like Michael Phelps, except I was the only person competing in all those events. Still, I count the number of golds, not the number of competitors.
I have a hangover and a headache. It’s called my conscience.
I’d like to sit around a campfire with a couple of cowboys and argue over who’s going to turn on the stove.
I could make dinner with one hand. Especially if I was serving Masturbation Stew.
Because my family has no money, I’ve decided to become a prostitute. That’s right, I’m going into politics.
I often think about a life of crime. But alas, politics isn’t for me.
People can cry when they’re happy or sad. Tears are tasty and drinkable on all occasions.
The first airplanes looked more like flying furniture than the soaring dildos of today.
My bed feels empty without my ex wife in it. Also, I’m not in it, so that’s probably why it feels so empty.
As soon as we met, she probably imagined herself marrying me. Then within five minutes, she was probably already envisioning divorce.
He told me he was getting married, and I told him I approved of his upcoming divorce.
I felt like eating steak, but instead I took my cow for a walk. I mean dog.
I had a dream about you. You were two chickens away from being duck soup, and I was a fork and a knife shy of being able to eat you.
I had a dream about you. You were naked from the waist down, and you were lecturing me on the merits of pantslessness. I wasn’t naked, but you didn’t notice, because I was wearing the flesh of another man, whom I’d earlier killed and skinned.�...
She texted me telling me her mom was dying, so I did the right thing and texted her back a picture of my erect penis and said, “Let’s start a new family.
Secret to life: When you succeed, let it go and don’t dwell, and when you fail, let it go and don’t dwell.
