Don’t alter my altar. I don’t believe you don’t believe.
I'm a competitor, and I welcome competition. My ideal matchup would be the best versus the best, or more concretely, me versus my clone. I don't know if he'd beat me or if I'd beat him, but I could guarantee that no matter who wins, I'd win.
There’s bird shit on my toilet paper, and my asshole stings from such a long flight.
Riding a bicycle makes you impotent. That’s why I carry a bicycle seat in my pocket—because it’s better than wearing a condom.
I wasn’t around when Kennedy got shot. Not being born yet is a pretty good alibi. Still, if the cops ask where I was, tell them I was with you.
When some Jeff tries to be other Jeffs, ain’t no Jeffrey in the house to be found smiling. Also, there are no Jeffries in this house.
My biggest life influences are people of the future, people yet to be born. Two people, in particular: Zax Xaz and Xaz Zax, who were both named after their father, John Smith—though they don’t share the same father, mother, or taste in food.
Yesterday I donated blood. It wasn’t my blood—I found it in a discarded tampon.
I have a body like a mannequin. I must, because instead of women trying to get me naked, they only want to see me with clothes on.
I keep a human brain in my pocket, because you never know when you’ll never know.
It’s sad to see a restaurant go out of business because the owner died, after being cannibalized by hungry customers.
My cat’s favorite sport is economics, and his favorite player is Ben Bernanke. But it’s just too violent for me to enjoy.
The chair walked in the room like any four-legged creature would, and I sat on it like a cat.
I had a dream about you. You had four legs like a cat has four legs like a chair has four legs, and I was looking for a place to sit. Then you meowed at me, so I sat on your back and began reading a book about how to read a book.
Tonight I’m on Meow Patrol. Do you have a fur coat I can borrow?
In the absence of a cat, I’d consider cuddling with a synthetic fur coat. Especially if your dead grandma was wearing it.
Deciduous trees are trees that can’t decide what outfit to wear, so they change three times a year.
I'm no gumshoe, but I think I have gum on my shoe. Either that or I'm stuck in place because I'm afraid to take the first step in a new direction.
Erections are temporary, but child support is forever.
I saw a sign from God, and it said, "Church starts at 8:00 am." I cried out to God saying, "I can't make it because that's too late. Eight am is two hours past my bedtime." I had no idea God was such a party animal.
Kissimmee has the best name, other than Hugsburg and Fornicatesville.
