Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I am the qorj of love. If you find that hard to believe, then I’d like to sell you a Bible.

Jarod Kintz

I’m a book lover. I’ve probably already fucked a whole library.

Jarod Kintz

My book has no plot. Wait, yes it does—in the cemetery. It’s a love story where one character is dead, and the other is a dirty pervert.

Jarod Kintz

Love is like $19.99. If you bring $20 dollars, I’ll bring a penny.

Jarod Kintz

My love does not entail a tail. But my cat’s does.

Jarod Kintz

Love is a feel-good feeling, like feeling a cat’s fur while my hair is on fire and my grandpa is reciting the pledge of allegiance while staring at my star-spangle-bannered boxers.

Jarod Kintz

My dreams are shaped like a cat, only furrier. And my love resembles a dolphin, only fishier.

Jarod Kintz

My love is a six-toed mutant, like a Hemingway cat. Pet it wisely.

Jarod Kintz

Ever seen a cat with polka-dotted zebra fur? Come to my House of Love Open House this Friday night at 8:00 PM. 

Jarod Kintz

I peel cats like I pet oranges. And I often snuggle with watermelons, sometimes with the intent of making love.

Jarod Kintz

I hold my cats like any other broom you’d use to sweep the floor. I’m a janitor among animal lovers.

Jarod Kintz

I made Tuesday Salad like Monday morning is Sunday night. Do you agree on the difference a day can make in the realm of love?

Jarod Kintz

I cried at the funeral. It wasn’t because I loved her, it was because I was there, in the front pew at the church, chopping onions.

Jarod Kintz

I want a coffee machine that runs on gasoline and drives me to work. We can make love in the backseat, next to the cream and sugar.

Jarod Kintz

I chug coffee—for fun and for love. 

Jarod Kintz

Love is a skeleton wrapped in a bacon blanket. It’s sizzling and hot and tasty and I’d love to have some right now with a large cup of coffee. 

Jarod Kintz

I can’t remember what I said to her, and she can’t remember what she heard. I must have said I love you.

Jarod Kintz

I’m a murderer. I killed the conversation. She said she loved me, and I said, “If you love me, wait until you meet my clone!

Jarod Kintz

Every time we made love, one of us cried. Mostly it was me, out of joy, but occasionally it was her, out of despair.

Jarod Kintz

I made a Lindsey Sandwich out of two Jennifers and a Jessica. Then I ate it like I make love—alone, in the corner, with a box of tissues and lots of tears. 

Jarod Kintz

I have the dance moves of a mustache, and a singing voice that sounds like a beard on the inside of my cheeks. Carry my love like karaoke in your pocket.

Jarod Kintz