After my first coaching experience, the field looked more like Gettysburg than a normal defeat. But it wasn’t that bad, as only about half my team lay dead, while the rest were merely dying.
I inherited a pound from my British uncle. I’d have rather gotten a dollar, because what do I want with an animal shelter?
I told the tree it was going nowhere in life. It was hurtful, but true. Now, maybe in death it will go somewhere, as furniture.
The peace corps looks like peace corpse, and death isn’t a very peaceful thought to me.
I wasn’t dead, I was asleep. There’s a difference, however slight. That subtle difference is between being a stiff and having a stiffy.
I wrote something for my local newspaper, but nobody read it because it got buried in the obituary section.
Black holes are darker than magic markers, but not as black as my mood.
In a depression, I’d imagine rich people try to dress like they’re poor, and poor people try to dress like they’re rich. As for me, I try to dress exactly like my clone would.
A part-time worker is fully employed, half the time. In other words, they are part-time unemployees.
I bought you a gift. It’s something I’ve always wanted, but I’m not quite sure you’ll like it. So if you don’t want it just tell me and I’ll be happy to keep it. After all, I’m only interested in making you happy.
I used to be a bumper sticker kind of writer. Now I’m more developed, and my writing often takes up whole bumpers.
Because I’m emotionally immature, I’d prefer letting go of you early and always remembering you as you were, rather than hanging on and letting things develop and blossom and then eventually decay.
I thought I was eating a candy bar, but it turned out to be a yummy burrito. I was both disappointed and appointed at the same time.
God ordered the world and all things in it, and I ordered a pizza and all things on it.
A female cop in my dream observes a shuffle, and takes note, but doesn’t fully see the bank robbery I have just committed during the planned distraction. All she sees is a man with a lot of money and draws the wrong conclusion—that I am more hand...
A fuel pump is a fountain drink machine for cars. And people who want to save the environment and get drunk and run to work.
When the fog lifts on this economy, I think we’ll find a lot of people refusing to ever turn off their caution lights.
I need a Caution: Slippery When Wet sign, because I just spilled my ego all over the floor.
I had some emotional issues, so I went to a therapist. And guess what I don’t have now? That’s right, I don’t have any extra money. But I still have those emotional issues.
I’d drive a thousand miles just to learn how to conserve gas and help save the environment. But that’s just who I am. I’m a thoughtful guy.
Here you’ll find everything you don’t need—and much less!
