To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive.
When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance.
If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave.
If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt.
I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q.
They say you fear what you don't understand. Maybe that's why every time I'm in South Florida, and I hear someone talking in Spanish, I always shit my pants.
I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob.
I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops.
I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, 'At least he's not a complete boob.
When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant.
This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep.
I once got attacked by a bearskin rug, two days before it was a rug.
A banker is a man who will lend you the short sleeve shirt off his back and demand a long sleeve one in return.
I will never buy a fish tank, because I don't believe in supporting the funding of aquatic war machines.
If I promise you I'll show up fifteen minutes late, I'll always arrive on time.
If I were an armadillo, and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, and they wanted to know why I looked so familiar, I'd respond in a raspy voice, "Your brother ran over my brother.
I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn't cheer so loud when I'm trying to sleep.
Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.
Yesterday I memorized Shakespeare, and tomorrow I'm also going to memorize his first name.
In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated.
If girlfriends were knees, I'd love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it'd be easier to run around on them.
