I want to be an actor. I’ve already started taking steps. Yesterday I applied to be a waiter.
I want to buy you a pair of YAP, or Yellow Admiration Pants (they have no crotch), and have you talk dirty to me.
I want to make love like the most romantic thing ever, but I just don’t know how to go about learning how to fornicate like a flower.
I want to laugh hysterically into a bucket of water, have my humor imprinted on each water molecule and then drink the funniest drink ever.
I want to know how watches can hold all the time in the world using only two hands.
I want to be able to type 60 words per minute without repeatedly typing one-letter words like “I” or “A.
I want to write a short story where the protagonist is a globe, and all the secondary, or “flat” characters, are all maps. It’ll be a story about boundaries.
Jacksonville was founded by a man named Jack. Jack’s last name wasn’t Sonville, as you’d expect. Oddly, Jack’s last name was Fatherville, but since Jack was himself a bastard, he found the name Jackfatherville to be offensive. Hence, Jacksonv...
Jacksonville has more creativity in its soup kitchens than any other community with an abundance of starving artists. I once sculpted a stale baguette into the shape of Stalin, and the art community was torn between the desire to admire my work, and ...
Jacksonville welcomed the World Golf Hall of Fame with open arms and wallets in 1998. If you’re not familiar with golf, it’s a sport where you swing a stick at a ball, like baseball in a way, only with more action to the game.
Jacksonville's official bird is the butterfly. The butterfly is also Jacksonville's official flower.
Visitors might notice that Jacksonville has lots of trees. And there would be more trees, if I didn’t go around chopping so many down, in anticipation of my upcoming paper company. (I plan on self-publishing a very long book.)
According to a poll conducted by ilovecatsandjarodkintz.com, Jacksonville's favorite pet is the cat at 100 votes to 0 for dogs, birds, fish, or peeves.
Sadly, like any major city, there are pockets of poverty in Jacksonville. Four of those pockets can be found on the very pants I’m wearing.
Jacksonville has a rich history, full of poverty, plight, and poor economic decisions. If you follow the phrase "Follow the money" literally, you'd have left town decades ago.
In 1948 fishing was outlawed in Jacksonville by decree of the king. But nobody, besides my grandpa, listened to him, because he’d been dead for centuries—the king, not my grandpa. My grandpa had only been dead a decade.
In 1901, Jacksonville burned down in a fire, killing only seven people. Well, the fire killed four people, and I murdered the other three.
Jacksonville hosts the “World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party” every year when the football teams of the Florida Gators play the Georgia Bulldogs. Conversely, the “World’s Smallest Indoor Cocktail Party” takes place in an Alaskan igloo w...
Jacksonville has four seasons: winter, spring, summer, and football.
The Circus came to Jacksonville in 1993, and after two decades, the Jaguars are still in town. I just hope the Jaguars hire Tim Tebow, so that maybe the team can finally go to the Promised Land. It’d also be great if Tebow could lead the team to a ...
Jacksonville is the friendliest city in the world. Test it out for yourself and see. Walk in to any public Men’s room and step up to a stranger at a urinal and introduce yourself and offer to shake his hand. You’ll soon know what it means to meet...
