Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

A politician is a person whose brain is as jiggly as Jell-O, only not as intelligent.

Jarod Kintz

Word of mouth—it’s more powerful, more convincing, and more audible than word of hand.

Jarod Kintz

He kept looking at my crotch, so I looked at his and saw he had an erection. That’s more flattering than any oratorical praise.

Jarod Kintz

I always carry a spoon in my pocket. You know, just in case it rains.

Jarod Kintz

Goodreads.com could be read Good Reads, or it could be read Goo Dreads. Of course, it couldn’t be the latter, because who dreads goo?

Jarod Kintz

I hang out with light people, because you never know when you’ll have to pick someone up and use them as a human shield.

Jarod Kintz

Here’s a towel to dry your tears. I just wiped my ass with it.

Jarod Kintz

I'm not sexually active. I just sort of lay there and slowly thrust.

Jarod Kintz

The wheel is man’s greatest invention, and as such, unicycling is the world’s purest sport.

Jarod Kintz

The cops came by and said my nemesis had been poisoned, shot, stabbed, beaten, hung, drowned, and subjected to Gilbert Gottfried’s voice at a high decibel level. “Ah,” I said, “so you suspect his death was a suicide.

Jarod Kintz

The longest 60 seconds in the world occur when someone says, “I’ll be there in a minute.

Jarod Kintz

I have a container full of yelling I keep in my kitchen. It makes a great cleaning product, as it’s wonderfully abrasive.

Jarod Kintz

I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it.

Jarod Kintz

I want to go to all the topless bars in America and try to sell every single one of them a roof.

Jarod Kintz

I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red.

Jarod Kintz

I want to read the employment section of the Bible. I think it’s simply called Job.

Jarod Kintz

I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will appreciate the thought, or maybe he will feel I am making more work for him.

Jarod Kintz

If it’s not already written, I want to write a book called, “The Art of Raw.” But instead of using my real name, I’ll use the pseudonym, “Sun Tzushi.

Jarod Kintz

I want to write a book called, "Ten Steps to Asexuality." Of course, I recommend all those steps be taken in Birkenstock sandals.

Jarod Kintz

In a brave and noble way, I want to sacrifice my life one day so that two of my clones can live.

Jarod Kintz

I want to write a song about one man's level of commitment called, "I'd walk to the edge of the world, just to dump your body.

Jarod Kintz