I had a dream about you. You were eating a salad with lots of lettuce and tomatoes. All that green and red reminded me of Christmas, and I began to cry. You thought the saltwater coming out of my eyes was draining the world’s oceans, which you perceived to be a good thing, so you taunted me and made me cry more. But you crossed the line when you called me a meat eater, because I stabbed you with your fork and then started chewing off your face.