Quotes by Henny Youngman

About Henny Youngman:

Henry "Henny" Youngman was a British-born American comedian and violinist famous for his mastery of the "one-liner". His best known one-liner was "Take my wife...please".
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Henny Youngman

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

Henny Youngman

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Henny Youngman

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Henny Youngman

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

Henny Youngman

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

Henny Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

Henny Youngman

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

Henny Youngman

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

Henny Youngman

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

Henny Youngman

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

Henny Youngman
Funny quotes by Henny Youngman, Morning quotes by Henny Youngman, UberQuotes

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Henny Youngman

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

Henny Youngman

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

Henny Youngman

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

Henny Youngman

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Henny Youngman

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Henny Youngman

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Henny Youngman

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

Henny Youngman

Author Bio

  • NameHenny Youngman
  • DescriptionAmerican comedian
  • BornMarch 16, 1906
  • DiedFebruary 24, 1998
  • CountryUnited States Of America
  • ProfessionComedian; Actor