I had a dream about you. You were a wholesale hole salesman, and I was a wholesale half salesman. I told you a half a hole is the same as a whole hole, and you said the pricing isn’t the same. I agreed and I disagreed, and I tried telling you this,...
I had a dream about you. You were 1882, and I was 1982. You said you were older, and I replied that I was taller. Still, for being a midget, you were pretty good at basketball.
I had a dream about you. I was a sleeping bag salesman, and you sold insomnia. I tried talking you into selling sex instead, because that way we could sell combo packages. But you said no, because you didn’t want to infringe on your grandma’s sal...
I had a dream about you. We were in a field picking dandelions for the king when a strong breeze came. I threw myself in front of you to block the wind, because the king was balding and if even one dandelion floret fell out we’d lose our heads. Wel...
I had a dream about you. You wanted to go shopping for shoes, and I suggested we go to the bowling alley. Where else can you go to rent such stylish shoes and have a FREE game of bowling thrown in?
I had a dream about you. You were hungry, so I made you a binocular sandwich, which is peeping power between two slices of bread. You were a hungry pervert, so I thought it perfect.
I had a dream about you. You were saving your love for another man, so I gave you a bigger Ziploc bag to save it in, because if you’re going to make that relationship work, you’ve got to give more than what you gave to me. Later I regretted givin...
I had a dream about you. You were wearing a wedding dress, and I was in a tuxedo. We’d been waiting on this moment our whole lives, only I imagined the first time I robbed a bank I’d be dressed like a cowboy. But you were right, this was more rom...
I had a dream about you. You invited me to a picnic, so I brought two bottles of mustard—one for me, and one for the guy who always holds your leash. When I got there I wondered who is that guy, why are you on a leash, and who brought the baloney, ...
I had a dream about you. I was a painter, and you were a nude banana. You wanted me to paint you in a still life, and I asked you to put some peels on. Your nudity made me feel naked as a person. Also having no clothes on made me feel naked, and that...
I had a dream about you. We were trying to climb a mountain, and I kept pushing you to keep going. I felt like the greatest motivational mentor who’s ever tried to climb Mt. Everest piggyback style.
I had a dream about you. You said you wanted to grow your hair long, and I wondered how long long is. I thought the Nile river is long, so that’s probably what you meant. I offered to build a Pyramid on your shoulder, and you offered me tax exempt ...
I had a dream about you. You were playing the guitar like it was a piano, and I was impressed with my deafness. You played awfully, but all I could hear was I love you.
I had a dream about you. We met where most lovers meet—in prison. You were a guard, and I was in solitary confinement. The politicians felt the bars protected society from me, but I felt the bars protected me from them.
I had a dream about you. You wanted to make love to me, and I wanted to sell you a talking mannequin that looked like me. You said you didn’t pay for sex, and I said I didn’t sell to just anybody. But we both knew we were both lying.
I had a dream about you. We sold love like a couple of roadside lemonade-stand vendors. Your love was organic, and mine was made with yellow tennis balls.
I had a dream about you. You introduced me to a clock, and I’m right handed, so I didn’t know which clock hand to shake, the hour or the minute. So I chose instead to go in for a hug. Big mistake. Time does not like to be embraced by a mere morta...
I had a dream about you. We got into an argument over the toilet seat. Down, up, down, up, down, up, we each thought we were right. Finally, being a natural diplomat, I suggested we compromise and leave the toilet seat halfway between down and up. Yo...
I had a dream about you. We were riding a beam of light to the edge of the galaxy. Then my flashlight battery went dead and Stephen Hawking’s robot voice said “game over.
I had a dream about you. I invented and sold shoes that left no footprints, and you were thinking about committing a murder in a muddy area. I said that committing a murder was a bad idea, and that you should commit several murders, but I was just tr...
I had a dream about you. You wore all yellow and I wore all blue, and together we were trying to make the world a little greener. Not through sex, as I wanted, but through recycling.
