Quotes by Dennis Miller

About Dennis Miller:

Dennis Miller is an American stand-up comedian, talk show host, political commentator, sports commentator, actor, television personality, and radio personality.
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.

Dennis Miller

I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years.

Dennis Miller

What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.

Dennis Miller

I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life.

Dennis Miller

The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.

Dennis Miller

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.

Dennis Miller

The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.

Dennis Miller

I rant, therefore I am.

Dennis Miller

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

Dennis Miller

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

Dennis Miller

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.

Dennis Miller

And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow

Dennis Miller

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

Dennis Miller

It's your living room, it's your life, go nuts. You like ? Tape it and go over it like it's the Zapruder film.

Dennis Miller

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

Dennis Miller

The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.

Dennis Miller

What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.

Dennis Miller

The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

Dennis Miller

If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.

Dennis Miller

Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.

Dennis Miller

Author Bio

  • NameDennis Miller
  • DescriptionAmerican stand-up comedian, television host, and actor
  • BornNovember 3, 1953
  • CountryUnited States Of America
  • ProfessionComedian; Radio Host; Actor; Film Producer; Author
  • WorksSaturday Night Live
  • AwardsEmmy Award