Quotes by Demetri Martin

About Demetri Martin:

Demetri Evan Martin is an American comedian, actor, artist, musician, writer, and humorist. He is best known for his work as a stand-up comedian, being a contributor on The Daily Show, and his Comedy Central show Important Things with Demetri Martin.
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

Demetri Martin

People only have so much attention.

Demetri Martin

It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.

Demetri Martin

As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress.

Demetri Martin

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

Demetri Martin

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

Demetri Martin

Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!

Demetri Martin

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

Demetri Martin

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Demetri Martin

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

Demetri Martin

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

Demetri Martin

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

Demetri Martin

I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.

Demetri Martin

Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.

Demetri Martin

I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!

Demetri Martin

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

Demetri Martin

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

Demetri Martin

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

Demetri Martin

Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.

Demetri Martin

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

Demetri Martin

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

Demetri Martin

Author Bio

  • NameDemetri Martin
  • DescriptionAmerican comedian, actor, artist, musician, writer, and humorist
  • BornMay 25, 1973
  • CountryUnited States Of America
  • ProfessionActor
  • AwardsWriters Guild Of America Award