Quotes by Demetri Martin

About Demetri Martin:

Demetri Evan Martin is an American comedian, actor, artist, musician, writer, and humorist. He is best known for his work as a stand-up comedian, being a contributor on The Daily Show, and his Comedy Central show Important Things with Demetri Martin.
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.

Demetri Martin

I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.

Demetri Martin

I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.

Demetri Martin

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.

Demetri Martin

To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” ...

Demetri Martin

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Demetri Martin

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

Demetri Martin

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

Demetri Martin

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

Demetri Martin

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

Demetri Martin

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

Demetri Martin

I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteri...

Demetri Martin

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this i...

Demetri Martin

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Demetri Martin

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.

Demetri Martin

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

Demetri Martin

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

Demetri Martin

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Demetri Martin

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

Demetri Martin

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

Demetri Martin

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and T...

Demetri Martin

Author Bio

  • NameDemetri Martin
  • DescriptionAmerican comedian, actor, artist, musician, writer, and humorist
  • BornMay 25, 1973
  • CountryUnited States Of America
  • ProfessionActor
  • AwardsWriters Guild Of America Award