Quotes by Chelsea Handler

About Chelsea Handler:

Chelsea Joy Handler is an American comedian, actress, author, television host, and producer. She hosted a late-night talk show called Chelsea Lately on the E! network from 2007 to 2014, and is currently preparing to host a show on Netflix in 2016. In 2012, Time placed her on the list of its 100 Most Influential People.
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

My mother is European and expresses her love through food and cuddling. She wasn't the type of mother who would make it to school plays or soccer games, but if you wanted to stay at home sick, she was your girl. Whenever you'd go up to her room to cu...

Chelsea Handler

I had heard my brothers and sisters use curse words but had never dared use one myself in front of anyone. But I had practiced alone in my room lots of times, trying out different cadences and into nations: 'Fuck, fuck, fuck you, fucknut. Shit, shits...

Chelsea Handler

I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.

Chelsea Handler

I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looking.

Chelsea Handler

There are many ways to get to know someone, and my favorite is seeing them naked in Happy Baby pose. I also feel it is important to have sex soon after meeting someone in order to find out if you have sexual chemistry together. Otherwise, you could w...

Chelsea Handler

My mother is the antithesis of a typical Jewish mother, she is very soft-spoken and takes more naps that a cat. As a result, I've always longed for someone to really annoy the shit out of me.

Chelsea Handler

How could I have missed the opportunity to pop pills with my sister who was purer than a Quaker?

Chelsea Handler

I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

Chelsea Handler

One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.

Chelsea Handler

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

Chelsea Handler

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Chelsea Handler

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.

Chelsea Handler

And just like that, as if I hadn't said anything at all, the ladies sprang into a conversation about the sinful nature the Jews possessed when killing their Lord Jesus. I didn't know if I was hearing this right because I had become so intoxicated, bu...

Chelsea Handler

If I had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I would've told him I was into cannibalism.

Chelsea Handler

When I get married, I'm gonna register at Bank of America.

Chelsea Handler

My time in heaven was up, and I was being told I wasn't the marrying kind by someone who undresses for a living.

Chelsea Handler

In fact, we'd discussed marriage on several occasions just because we seemed to get along so well, but after thinking long and hard, I realized it was not in my best interest to waste my first marriage on a gay man.

Chelsea Handler

Yes, of course I want to get married, but does that mean I'm not allowed to go out and have a good time? Am I supposed to just marry any schmuck that comes along? And by the way, here's a newsflash, Hammertoes. Nobody wants to marry me, anyway.

Chelsea Handler

I can't," I said. "I threw my back out masturbating.

Chelsea Handler

I had always dreamed of being a professional escort but never thought that there was any real money in it.

Chelsea Handler

A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time.

Chelsea Handler

Author Bio

  • NameChelsea Handler
  • DescriptionAmerican comedian, actress, author and talk show host
  • AliasesChelsea Joy Handler
  • BornFebruary 25, 1975
  • CountryUnited States Of America
  • ProfessionActor; Comedian